Can’t concentrate

I was actually going to have a post for you tonight. A good one with fun activities and even some pictures. But I can’t think about that anymore. My dog is missing. 😦

I got Chili when she was 7 weeks old in 1997. I had just moved into my first apartment in college (had been living in dorms previously) and was so excited to finally have a dog that was all mine. That summer she learned to sing with my summer roommate’s flute and later learned to meow like a cat. She became my best friend and my first baby. She sat in my lap any time I sat down (until the kids took over, that is). She slept under my covers (again, until the kids were born), and licked my tears when I cried. She was there for me through 15 surgeries, my marriage to N, the birth of my kids, and so much more.

Yes, in her old age she is getting slightly senile, can’t see or hear, and spends 98% of her day hiding in our bedroom or closet sleeping. She barely makes a noise when she wants to go outside and if we don’t notice right away, she’ll pee on the carpet, but if she’s outside and wants in she sure as anything let’s you know! I have to go find her and wake her up when it’s time to eat and sometimes she just goes right back to sleep. I’ve been preparing myself for months that one day I would go to wake her up and not be able to. But I was not prepared for today.

After the kids ate their dinner I had Lucas bring me the dogs’ bowls (it’s his job on Tuesdays) so I could feed them. As usual, I went looking for Chili to show her that dinner was ready. But I couldn’t find her. I didn’t panic. It’s happened before that she’s found a new hiding spot. But after looking everywhere I could possibly imagine her hiding, I started to worry. I started wracking my brain trying to remember exactly when I saw her last. And I can’t remember. I know I saw her this morning. But did I see her after we got back from lunch? I don’t remember. And it’s eating me up. I searched outside, even though we’d been outside all afternoon (and the kids were already playing out there as I searched the house). I called my neighbor, who was sweet enough to drop everything and help me look. We searched around the block, all through the house (she brought her dog inside to try to sniff her out), and I checked under every bush in the backyard. Nothing.

Our other dog, Boudreaux, doesn’t seem phased in the least. I asked him over and over “Where’s Chili?” and he just gets excited because I’m talking to him. You’d think he’d miss his sister. But maybe they said their goodbyes? Perhaps Chili left so she could find somewhere to die? If so, this is a cruel ritual. I can’t stand not knowing where she is. I just need to know. I don’t think I’ll be able to rest until I know where she is.

The kids went to bed asking where Chili is and wanting to go look for her. I told them that right now all we can do is ask God to bring her back to us, but sometimes it takes a long time for God to answer, and sometimes His answer is no. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with their questions tomorrow. What do you say in a situation like this? I can explain death, I think. But just gone?

I’ve put up a flier on the corner, hoping maybe someone has seen her. But I don’t have much hope. She has a tag on her collar that gives our phone numbers, but I haven’t heard anything. I called the pound and they haven’t heard anything either. How can an old dog that is deaf and blind just disappear like this? I’m absolutely heart sick and can’t stop crying. 😦

Chili 4/15/1997-???