Some days I feel like I’m talking to a couple of brick walls. Then, the more frustrated I get, all I seem to do is beat my head against said walls.
I know that the kids are two. I know they say they are “terrible.” But really, the one that is terrible is me. At the end of the day, when all is quiet, I want to yell at myself for how awful I’ve been. Yes, I’m great about playing with my kids, giving them things to do to help them learn and grow. But I do not react well when they do the exact opposite of what I’ve told them to do. It angers me. I try to stay calm, but when they continue to be defiant I yell. The more I yell, the worse they become. It’s almost like I can see what I’m doing and know that I’m in the wrong, but don’t have control over my own anger. I want my kids to listen to me because they respect what I have to say, not because they are scared of me. When I make my children cry it makes me want to cry as well.
I always apologize. But I know that’s not enough. I need to be a better example. I need to show them how to constructively handle every situation. I need to be different. And I know the only person that can change me is me.
Now, I’m not always like this. I can be quite patient with them and feel confident that I’m doing a good job. But the more tired I get, the more they challenge me at every turn, the more days in a row I go without much of a break, the worse my reactions become.
I think it’s time to challenge myself. Each day I go without yelling, keep calm, and set the example I want for my kids, I will mark on a calendar. I think it will be a wake up call. Seeing a visual of my behavior will keep me accountable and prayerful. I know I can’t do this without His help. God does not want me to be this kind of parent, so I know He will help me become a better me.