I’m having a difficult time having realistic expectations of people. It seems I keep expecting people to have the same emotions, or react the same way as I would. Logically, I know this is unrealistic. I am the only me, and others are not going to think the same way. However, that doesn’t stop me from being disappointed when my friends or family do not react the way I expect/hope they will.
First, there’s my mom. I had expected her to want to see her grandchildren as soon as possible. After all, when my nephew was born, I wanted to be there at the hospital to see him as soon as I possibly could. However, apparently she’s content to wait, and I even get the impression she’s not in any hurry to come see them. Her exact words were “Babies just don’t do it for me. I prefer them when they’re a bit older and can interact more.” I know she didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but she did. And it’s my own fault for expecting her to feel the way I did when W was born.
Then there’s N. I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this. We’ve talked about it, and I know that he loves our children and is just as excited as I am to meet them. But I unrealistically expected him to want to be totally involved in the pregnancy as well. Because that’s what I want. It’s not that he’s uninterested in the pregnancy, he just is more interested in once the babies are here, and doesn’t really think about the pregnancy except to the extent that things are going well. This weekend I went and stayed with LD and got to feel the babies move. We’d felt it a little the last time we came up, but this was completely different. Before it was like little flutters. But now you can actually feel limbs and imagine what each baby is doing! The whole time I kept thinking “N needs to feel this!” Yet, when I described it to him he said “I’ll feel it next Wednesday” (we’re going up for an u/s). I said “If the babies aren’t born before then!” And he said “Then I’ll get to hold them.” He didn’t get it. And there’s no reason why he should. But it disappointed me anyway.
I’m feeling quite nostalgic as our journey is coming close to the next chapter. I feel like I missed a lot that I had hoped/expected to experience. I haven’t spent nearly as much time with LD as I’d meant to. I haven’t been to all the appointments, as I’d planned. And I feel a little bit of a sadness that the experience I’ve had isn’t quite what I’d hoped for when we started. Not that it’s been a bad experience! Nor is it anyone’s fault that there’s a difference between hopes and reality. I think that the fault really is with me. I needed more flexibility in my vision of what the “prefect” journey would be.
As I’m writing this I realize that LD or N might interpret this post as somehow a lack of something in them. And that is SO completely not true! They have been wonderful. LD shares everything with me and wants me to see this pregnancy as mine. I couldn’t ask for a better friend and GS. And N has been super supportive and has put up with my roller coaster of emotions throughout this experience. No, I can’t blame anyone but myself. I think I misjudged what was realistic. I’ve never been pregnant, and I think I romanticized what the pregnancy would be like. And now that we’re in the thick of it, I’m realizing that it may not be possible for the end (or new beginning?) to be the way I hope.
I want SO much to be there for the birth. But I’m very afraid I won’t be. When I expressed my fears to N this evening he told me I could move up to OK and wait for them to arrive if that’s what I need. But I know that’s not realistic. I do have a job to finish (though if the babies come, that’s just too bad). And I’d hate for LD to feel like a watched pot. And of course, chances are, if I were to go up now, they would wait until after the last day of school anyway. All I can do for now is pray that we’ll have enough warning that we can make it to the hospital before the babies are delivered. As much as I want them to wait until after school is done, I’m kind of hoping we go up next week for the u/s and they say it’s time to go into the hospital and deliver some babies. Just so we can stop the waiting.
LD seems to think that will be the day anyway. She’s had a dream that her water will break that night/morning, D thinks it will be that day, and apparently a friend of hers that is “slightly psychic” sees a 2 or a 7 in our future (how about both!). But even though it seems like a perfect arrangement, I don’t want them born that early. That would be one day shy of 35 weeks. That’s not long enough.
I know I’m over thinking things. I need to just let them come when and how they are going to. I can’t control this and I shouldn’t agonize over it, but that’s easier said than done. 😦