Cruel Torture

Waiting…  It has to be the worst kind of torture known to man.  Knowing something is coming and not being able to do anything to speed up (or in some cases, slow down) it’s impending arrival.  There’s a lot of waiting in life.  Waiting to be able to crawl, walk, talk, etc. at least is a faded memory.  Waiting for that boy to call, or waiting to find out how you did on that final exam are easier to bear now that they are over.  And truthfully, once the waiting is over we often wonder what the fuss was all about.  But when you’re smack-dab in the middle of the waiting, it’s pure torture.  Waiting for surgery, waiting for a special event, waiting for vacation…  All torturous.

Right now, I’m in the limbo of waiting for more than one event. And it may just be what takes me over the edge of sanity (since I was barely hanging on already!).

November 7th… Eight days away… Awaiting the day that we get to find out how many embryos decided to stick around. Anticipating the possibility of seeing the heart(s) beat. Longing for the day to arrive when we have more proof that we will be parents and our dream is coming true.

November 10th (says the scheduler, though I have my doubts)… Eleven days away… Awaiting the surgery that will (hopefully) bring some of my energy back. Anticipating the awful sinking feeling of going under anesthesia. Dreading the day that the pain of being sliced open will return and hoping it will be no more than a single incision. Praying that this will be the last one for quite awhile.

Lots of waiting going on these days. It’s hard to live in the moment when such big events are looming on the horizon. I have to force myself to sit down and remember what it is I need to do each day. My mind wanders and I find myself getting next to nothing done. I’ve decided to try to keep myself busy. Tonight we plan to go to dinner with my MIL and BIL. Tomorrow I plan to begin a new sewing project. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. Beyond that, I’ll just have to wait and see…

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Filed under doctor's appts., embryos, emotions, heart, sewing, waiting

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