Tonight’s the night

Tonight we will POAS to find out if LD is pregnant. She had her blood drawn yesterday, so as soon as we see the results of the HPT she’s going to call and get the beta results. She says she feels pregnant, so she’s just ready to have the tests confirm it.

I don’t guess I realized how much I would be jealous that she is feeling all of these things and can have so much confidence that it worked. I mean, I trust her and I’m confident as well, but I kind of feel numb. It’s like all of the stuff I could do in this process is done and now I’m left to just twiddle my thumbs. Almost anti-climactic, if that makes sense. I know I am going to be going through all kinds of roller coaster feelings the next 8-9 months, so I guess I should get used to it. But for now, I guess I feel somewhat separated from things. And I know that is not anyone’s fault. LD has made sure to tell me all about the things she’s feeling. And I want to know and would be upset if she didn’t tell me. But at the same time it seems to drive home the fact that I’m not feeling them… Does that make sense?

I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or to make anything change. I’m just writing it down to help myself understand why I’m feeling somewhat numb today. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to find out if we’re pregnant, and I’m already counting down the hours. But all of my emotions are all mixed up and even through the excitement I’m fighting back the tears. I have a feeling this is going to be my “normal” for awhile. 😦

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2 Comments

Filed under emotions, hope, waiting

2 responses to “Tonight’s the night

  1. Nicole

    Nikki i can totaly understand the way you are feeling…. and it is totaly normal to feel that way right now… i am sure you are alot like me and have been wanting a child for so long… just to find out you can’t have them….. i know talking to my friends who are expecting makes me sad hearing them talk about all they are feeling…. and makes me mad when they startsaying things like i’m sick all the time “because” of the baby… but please don’t think that what you are feeling isn’t normal…. and yes you may feel that way for a while….. but when the time comes and you get to hold your baby(s) in your arms for the first time….. it will al be worth it… you are in my heart and my prayers…… i been waiting to find out if you are or not by following your journey with LD…. i ahve fallowed all of her journeys and can’t wait for you to get your happy ending.

    Nicole

  2. Lori Shugart

    Good luck! Please e-mail me or post the results as soon as you can. I do understand even though I have not ever been through it myself. I know you are excited but sounds like you wish it could be you carrying it instead. I was always jealous of my sister thinking she had it all with 4 boys. Age took effect. I love children but am happy without them. But that is not your case and I am keeping my fingers crossed but I understand how you feel. You have to experience it a different way and this will be hard for you. But just try to look ahead to the big picture when you are holding the baby or babies in your arms. My prayers are with you and I wish for the best for you. I want to be a friend to you during this time. I do feel sorry for you at times but I know you are going to have it all at sometime in your life and I think it will be sooner than later. May God bless you and your husband and the baby or babies!

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