4 AM… can’t sleep

I hate it when I can’t shut down my brain. This always happens when I’m nervous about something. I woke up around 3:30 to go to the bathroom and have been unable to return to sleep because of my over-active brain. I can’t stop thinking about all the different possible scenarios that could still get me what I want. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

  1. We show up in the morning and it’s all a big mistake and nothing is wrong or they just have to give me some meds and that will take care of it (I’m doubting this will happen, but a girl can hope!).
  2. If I DO need surgery, then it is something that my local doc feels comfortable with doing and I don’t have to travel to MN. If this is the case, maybe I can even have the surgery today and be out of the hospital by tomorrow, with plenty of time to get to our patient teaching appointment on Wednesday. (hey, it’s possible! Even though improbable, since I have to come off my coumadin for surgery.)
  3. If I DO need surgery, but it’s not something my local doc feels comfortable with doing and I have to travel to MN, we can leave for MN Wednesday, after my patient teaching appointment and take my lupron with me. Assuming that none of the docs has a problem with me taking lupron before/during/after this surgery, there’s no reason this can’t work. I could have the surgery Friday and be back home Sunday or Monday. Plenty of time to get to my sonogram appointment on the following Thursday.
  4. I wake up in a few minutes and find out this is all a horrible dream and there’s nothing going on at all. (This is my personal favorite scenario.)

I realize I’m being completely ridiculous trying to plan anything when I know very little at this point. But that’s what I do. I plan. Then God steps in and says “Forget that!” and makes His own plans. It’s hard to be mad at someone who has your best interest at heart, but it sure is easy to be frustrated. If He could just tell me what His plan is I would at least know what to expect and stop all this worrying. I know He says to just turn it all over to Him, and I really do try. I know it’s in His hands and no matter what I do it will turn out just the way it should. But I just want to know what that is! I hate the waiting and not knowing more than anything in the world!

Please, Lord, give me peace. Help me to release all my worrying to you. Help me to accept that whatever is to come is right and you would never lead me down the wrong road. Everyone around me keeps reminding me that postponing is not the same as canceling and that I will become a mom exactly when I should. Help me to realize that having things go exactly according to my plan is not always the best way. Help me to accept whatever the outcome of today’s appointment might be. In Jesus name… Amen.

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Filed under doctor's appts., emotions, Faith, planning, sleep, stress, waiting

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