Yesterday I broke down and cried harder than I think I have in a long time. I’m just so emotionally spent. Rather than retype it all, I figured I’d just copy the email I sent to TOSS:
“Unfortunately, I think I may just be at that point [of giving up]… N just bought a stinkin’ iPhone today. $400 (plus tax) for the phone and $20 more on our bill each month. Obviously his priorities are WAY different than mine. I said ‘Hope you like your phone. No TV for you now.’ He goes, ‘What? I can still get my TV. I still have $4,000 that’s mine to spend how I want.’ (I assume he’s referring to the $2,000 he got from his grandmother for Christmas and his birthday, each. However, the Christmas one was for BOTH of us…)
Then when we got home (he was setting up his iPhone) I was really quiet. He asked me if I was annoyed with him. I said no because I didn’t want to get into an argument. He kept pressing the issue and so I finally said ‘I didn’t realize I’d be annoyed until you actually went through with it.’ He got all bent out of shape and said ‘What? Every spare dollar we have has to go towards a baby?’ To which I responded, ‘Dollar?!? You just spent $500!’ He said ‘Nuh-uh. It was $400.’ ‘But we now have an extra charge every month too.’ ‘I just paid for that by working extra hours yesterday.’ Grrr! I said something about ‘Great. Then you can work an extra shift every week so we can save for a kid. I don’t have that option. I don’t get bonus pay. There’s nothing more I can do.’ He just rolled his eyes at me. I said ‘You should have just let me keep it at ‘no.” ‘What, and let you stew about it until it explodes at me??’
He just left to go to one of his games. I’m glad he’s out of the house tonight so I don’t have to deal with him. I’m just so frustrated. I keep watching what savings we have slipping from between my fingers and he doesn’t care. At least, it feels that way. This is more stress than I can handle… I’m ready to nix the whole idea just so I can stop being miserable.”
I’m feeling slightly better than I was last night. I had a dear friend say some very kind things that helped me feel better. See, I think partially I was wondering if I really deserve to have this work out and become a mom. I mean, I’m just not sure if it’s what God has planned for me. But my friend made me feel as if maybe He does want this for us. Maybe He’s just trying to get things lined up perfectly. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how things unfold.