Feeling Discouraged

I’m feeling quite discouraged lately. I tend to go in cycles, so I’m sure I’ll get back to “normal” at some point, but right now I feel like we will NEVER start a journey. There’s no way we’ll ever have enough money. At least, not before I’m too sick to be a mom. 😦

I talked to my cardiologist Tuesday and we got to talking about surrogacy. I told her it was going to be a very long time before we would have the money to start a journey and when I told her how much it can cost her jaw dropped and she said “I had NO idea it cost THAT much!” I’m getting very discouraged about the $$ issue and wonder if maybe we should just forget it. I hate dealing with money in the first place, and this added stress just plain stinks.

I started looking to see how much it would cost to adopt overseas. It is a LOT cheaper! But we wouldn’t get to be a part of the kid’s creation, be there for appointments, experience the pregnancy vicariously, watch our baby being born, or even MEET our kid before it’s 6 months old (which means we’ll miss the first smile, rolling over, crawling and walking, etc.). 😦 It’s not that I feel like the $$ is an unreasonable amount to pay for a surrogacy experience. I think it would be worth every penny. But I just don’t know that we can ever get that much $$ together. At least, not in a time frame that I want. I want to be able to have a baby in my arms before I’m too sick to care for it. Right now I know I’m doing well. I don’t know how my health will be holding up in 3 years (did I mention that the time frame seems to keep extending whenever N talks about it?)! I almost feel like it would be easier on my emotions if we would just say “Never mind. We don’t need kids. We can be perfectly happy just being us.” Unfortunately, I don’t think either of us can honestly say that. We both want to be parents.

I feel like, right now, my life is on hold. I feel like I’m going nowhere and doing nothing. I want to have a purpose. Being a librarian is a career, not a purpose. I want to nurture and care for a little human being. I want to help them to grow up to be the best person they can be. Is that too much to ask? I know I kind of do that at my job, but not the way I want to. I can influence a student a little bit, but not like a parent can. Parents are the ones that shape their children. Others just help to decorate them a little.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen now. In April we’re planning to take W (my nephew) for a week while my sister and BIL are on a trip. We’re hoping to use the opportunity as a trial run to see if I can handle it. Maybe that will either tell us to forget the whole thing, or make N want to speed up the time table. One way or the other, I am looking forward to taking care of him. But if I’m feeling like I am this week (super tired) I think I may wonder what I was thinking.

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