Yesterday I got an email from an IM friend of mine who is looking for a new GS (things didn’t work out with her last one). She asked if I had a list of questions or requirements that I use. Of course, since I haven’t really started looking yet, I don’t, but I did write this reply to her. I wanted to save it here because I made some realizations as I wrote it. Here it is:
I’m avoiding an agency if at all possible (and I think it will be). I just don’t see spending that money when it can be better spent somewhere else. I have someone I’ve met with and we sort of mentioned that it COULD be a possibility to work together, but neither of our husbands are quite ready for us to be looking (she delivered twins in July). We were talking lots in September/October, but really haven’t talked much in a while. Not sure where that will go, or if we’ll just stay friends. Right now I don’t feel like she’s completely “the one” (for silly reasons, she’s actually wonderful in almost every way), but I’m not positive what that is either, you know?
As for questions, I think you just need to have an idea in your head of what experience YOU want out of the process. If you want to be good friends, then make sure you get to know each other beyond the “business” arrangement. I’ve been trying to get together lists of my “have to have” vs. “nice to have” and “absolutely DON’T want” vs. “I can put up with it.” I’m still trying to figure out what those are. When Nathan and I “revisit the subject” in January, I hope to find out from him what he wants. I doubt it is much.
Personally, I want someone who has the same philosophy as I do on pregnancy, delivery, and child rearing. I realize that they won’t actually be rearing my child, but if they have a similar philosophy, not only will we get along better, but my child will be exposed in the womb to a similar environment to that we will have in our home once he/she arrives. Does that make sense? That’s the first time I’ve ever put that into words.
Regarding the delivery, I would love to find someone who would go natural, without drugs of any kind. I do not believe in inducing (as nice as that might be for scheduling purposes), and want my baby to make an appearance alert and awake when he/she is darn good and ready. I didn’t realize I wanted this until I started talking with that local GS. She had a c-section with the twins and says that when she does this again she wants to do another c-section. Now, I have nothing against c-sections, but I don’t really like the idea of planning one just because it’s more convenient. Know what I mean?
I would also like someone who would be willing to pump once the baby is born (I do NOT want them to nurse). I actually have started looking into it a bit more and may actually try to induce lactation after all (found out that coumadin doesn’t pass through the breast milk).
I suppose I want these things because they are the way my mother did things. I realize that there are many different ways to have and raise a baby. However, if I can find someone who would do things as close to the way I would if I were allowed to do this myself, I sure would love it.
Having said all that, I have not once talked with a GS about these desires of mine. I did tell the GS I was talking to that, if I were able to do this myself, I would want to do it without drugs if at all possible. But I don’t know if she realized I sort of meant I’d rather my GS did it that way too. There’s one woman on my group who had her own child back in May and wants to continue breast feeding until she is a year old, but then wants to start on a GS (she has been a TS twice). I’ve seriously considered contacting her privately and see if she would think about working with me, since she has done all of her deliveries (5 in all) naturally, and this last one was even in a birthing center. She obviously has a similar philosophy about breast feeding, and is actually helping me to find out if I can safely induce lactation (She’s a postpartum nurse). Actually, the more I’m writing, the more I’m thinking I just might email her off group… 😉
I did end up emailing that GS (We’ll call her MB). But I haven’t heard back from her at all. I’m almost regretting that I sent it, mostly because I’m nervous. It’s weird. With M I am completely comfortable to talk about anything and love her as a friend. But I’m not so keen on the idea of a planned c-section. However, I’m a little more nervous around MB, but love her philosophy on birthing and breast feeding… I don’t know what I want. Oh, well. I still have some time to figure it out. Though really it’s only a month away before we can “revisit” the subject. I hope N and I can sit down and talk about what we are both wanting out of the journey and how involved he wants to be in everything (I hope he wants to be very involved). Perhaps I’ll even have him sit down with me and read through some info on SMO or another site.