Still crabby

It’s weird… Most of the day I’m perfectly content and in a fairly good mood. However, when N and I get around each other it seems like everything he does gets on my nerves. Last night I was working on a quilt pattern for my nephew (I’m making a turtle quilt for his Christmas present) and I showed it to N to see what he thought. I guess I just wanted him to tell me it was good and be done with it. But I should realize that he will never, ever say that. He is always looking for ways to “improve” any design (even if it isn’t his). So after I’d already spent an hour working on this design, he tells me “It’s pretty good. But what about…” Then he took my paper and started WRITING ON IT… IN PEN!!! It sent me overboard. I was already a little miffed with him because he got mad at me for something I didn’t realize I’d done and he wouldn’t accept that it was unintentional, so I went off. I don’t remember everything I said, but essentially it boiled down to “I don’t know why I bother doing anything when it’s always wrong. You might as well do it, since you’re always right.” Or something like that. Slowly I calmed down and did see his point about his suggestion, but as I was working on the new design he also started working on one on his computer. I could see out of the corner of my eye what he was doing so I said, “Would you please not do that. This is something I want to accomplish and be able to say ‘I did that.’ But if you do it for me I can’t say that. If you insist on working on it, don’t tell me about yours, just let me be happy with mine.” I tried to say it calmly, and I think he kind of understood. I know he likes to be able to point to something and say “I designed that,” so I figured he’d understand where I was coming from. So he stopped working on it, and I did my best to do my own design. Unfortunately, I got frustrated because I couldn’t figure out how to make it work. Finally he and I started working on solutions together and it ended up okay. We even agreed that we both liked the new design better than the first one I made (the one he criticized).

Later I apologized for the way I’ve been acting lately. He commented that lately we are more like roommates than a married couple. It’s completely true. We lead pretty separate lives lately. About the only thing we do together these days is watch TV. It sounded like he was upset that I make plans to go out with friends when he is at work or out gaming. But it’s not like I make those plans for when he’s home. I make them so that I’m not sitting at home alone. I have wanted for years to “have a life” and finally I sort of have one. I’ve got friends I actually go out with and I go down to Houston to see my family (without him because he works every other weekend and he doesn’t want to go out of town on the weekends he’s off). I’m going to end up having Thanksgiving at our house (long story), but he will be working that day. It’s not my fault he’s working. I would MUCH rather he be here. But he’s all sad now because he won’t be here to have Thanksgiving with all of us. It’s not like I intentionally called up my family and said “Hey, N’s working, come on over and we’ll have fun without him.” It just happened. Though it probably wouldn’t have happened if he was not working that day because we would have been spending the day with his family…

I don’t know if part of my reactions to him are pent up frustration about the “We can revisit the subject in January” conversation we had, or what. I think it probably is. I don’t mind waiting to find a surrogate, but it does annoy me that he can’t even tell me one way or the other if he wants to try to start a journey in 2008 or not. My biological clock is ticking away, even louder than my valve (and that’s pretty darn loud!), but he doesn’t seem to hear it. I can’t help it. God made us desire to reproduce so the species could live on. Who am I to fight it???

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Filed under husband, stress

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