Listless

This isn’t exactly journey related, but I feel the need to journal and this is my only private space to do so (other than pen and paper, I guess).  I am feeling so irrelevant today.  I feel like I’m a waste of useful space.  I want so much to be doing something, but all I’ve managed to accomplish today (once I got home from work) was unloading the dishwasher and making a pig of myself. I really need to come up with something to focus my energy on when I’m home from work. Until I’m “allowed” to work towards finding a surrogate I feel like I have nothing in particular to do. I want to work on several quilting/sewing projects, but I need to come up with patterns and also the fabric. I had thought I would do that today, but then came right home instead. I hope I’ll get into the fabric store tomorrow so I can get started on this stuff. I’m tired of being a bump on a log. I need a project. And I need to get cracking before I gain back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. It’s only 9 pounds, but even N says I look thinner. I can’t gain it all back. I’m determined to get down a size or two by Christmas.

Okay, so journalling doesn’t seem to be helping much. I still feel like I’m wasting my time. I guess I will just go to bed and hope I’ll do better tomorrow. At least N will be working, so I won’t have him as an excuse. I can take my time getting home (stop at JoAnn’s and/or the Quilt Shop and also the grocery store). Maybe that will also stop me from snacking when I get home from work, since it will be closer to dinner time. One can hope, anyway. Enough dwelling. Time for bed. ‘Night journal.

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Filed under emotions, waiting

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