I took a nap today (we were out late, then the dogs woke me up fairly early) and had a bittersweet dream. I dreamt we had a baby. A tiny, tiny baby. I was holding him close and even nursed him (which is not likely to happen, what with all the meds I’m on and such). But even in the dream I was a little sad. I think I knew it was only a dream and still a long way from being a reality. After I woke up I kept sitting on the couch looking down the hall into the “potential baby’s room” (yes, that is what we’ve dubbed one of the spare bedrooms, even though we have a fold out bed and exercise bike in there). I hadn’t realized until today how perfect the location of that room is. We’ll be able to sit in the living room and watch our baby as he sleeps in his crib. I can’t wait for that day. I’m feeling the longing double strong today, probably because of the dream. I’m not sure what brought on the dream, though. Unless it was reading to N’s cousin’s five year old with her sitting in my lap. I read to kids all the time (it’s my job), but reading to a kid who is sitting in your lap is a completely different feeling. I’ve bought her two of my favorite books for her birthday (it was last week) and hope to get to read them to her today at the wedding reception (N’s other cousin is getting married today). I loved having her sitting in my lap and turning the pages for me. It was a very contended feeling.
There was something I was talking to my mother about the other day, though. I don’t seem to be the type of person who has an overwhelming urge to hold other people’s babies. I love to look at them, don’t get me wrong, but when I hold them I feel awkward. Which is strange, since I don’t feel the least bit awkward holding my nephew, or N’s cousin’s child when she was younger. When a couple of the TOSSers came over one of them brought her 5 month old baby with her. I held the baby for a few minutes, but had no problems handing her back to go check on the oven. P, on the other hand, snuggled with her for quite some time. And what about all those people who love to hold complete stranger’s babies? I could never do that. Or, worse yet, the people who feel compelled to touch a pregnant woman’s belly. I don’t think I could ever do that. Though I hope to feel comfortable enough with my future GS to do so. I want to at least experience feeling my baby kick, even if it is second-hand. Maybe I don’t feel compelled to do these things simply because I know it will be painful for me, knowing I won’t be getting the same experiences. Well, the belly part for sure. But it’s possible I won’t get the baby part either. Though I pray to God that isn’t His plan for us. It would be awful to have this big new house and never have a little one to help fill it.