Come and gone

M came today for lunch. She was here for 3 hours. We talked and talked about all kinds of stuff. But not surrogacy. At least, not a particular journey between the two of us. I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to bring it up and vice versa, or if it just hasn’t felt right to talk about particulars yet. We did say we were keeping our options open and if things worked out between us, great, and if not at least we made a really good friend. I wonder if maybe she’s at the same place I am, where she would love to work with someone so nearby, but at the same time isn’t sure if I’m “the one” for her. I do get along with her very well, and I love her kids. And we seem to agree on most things. But I wonder if I’m only interested in working with her because of her proximity, or if she’s someone I would go for no matter where she is… Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t found any reason to feel uncomfortable with her. Like I said, we get along great. We obviously have no problem coming up with conversation topics. And it seemed to me that everything surrogacy-wise that we did discuss we were in agreement on. The only thing I keep coming back to is that she wants to have another c-section. And I don’t blame her, really. But I guess I just always hoped to have someone who would be willing to go natural, like I would do if I were able. Granted, most women these days use epidurals at the very least, and M said she’s done all three types of birth (natural, epidural, and c-section) and she feels like she was more aware in the c-section than either of the other two because she was just so exhuasted from how long it all took. I guess I have unrealistic expectations, considering my sister’s easy labor and birth (natural). I don’t like the idea of “taking” the baby before he/she is actually ready. I guess it’s just hitting home that I won’t be able to have my “ideal birth” in any way, shape, or form. Unless I go with someone else. I know there is still time and I’m not committed to M in any way. But it seems silly, if we agree on so many other things, for me to keep going back to that c-section issue. Granted, I didn’t tell HER that it was an issue for me. Though I did say that if I were able to do it myself I’d want to go natural. But that isn’t a possibility and I know it’s the GS’s decision how she wants to deliver. It is her body afterall. But I would rather my baby be completely alert when he/she is born than drugged up and sluggish.

What am I even thinking about this for?! It’s completely rediculous to be worrying over this when I’m not matched and we still have plenty of time to determine if we’re right for each other. And I can’t exactly discuss it on TOSS, since M is on there and would read it! Maybe when my friend P comes up next weekend (she’s an IM) we can talk and I can ask her opinion on it. I am more confused than ever!

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Filed under emotions, friends, potential match

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