The waiting is over

I wrote this yesterday, but didn’t get around to posting it. Spent time with my hubby instead.

“I’m back from our RE visit. I’ll just skip to the part you all want to know and you can read on if you want more details: he sees no problems at all with using my eggs! He didn’t seem intimidated by my heart or cyst issues in the least. Of course, he wants to talk to my cardiologist (duh!) and he’ll monitor me closely when we cycle, but he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t handle it.

Just so we can get a base line to work with, we are going to go ahead and do my day 3 FSH levels and an ultrasound, and hubby is going to get a semen analysis done. We know we’ll have to repeat the tests closer to when we’re actually going to cycle, but at least this way we know if there are any other issues we have to deal with. I actually should start my period next week, so most likely I’ll have my blood work next Friday or the following Monday. I don’t really anticipate much of a problem, but you never know. Something I’m confused about, though, is that he isn’t having me get off of my BCP to do the blood work. If I have to wait until Monday I think he did want me to wait to start up the next packet, but if it’s Friday I don’t think I’ll have to miss any at all. Generally I start my period on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I anticipate doing the test Friday. (okay, that was way too long talking about my period… Sorry about that. 😉 ).

Before we went to the appointment my husband and I ended up having a longish talk (with me crying through most of it). I had told him last night that my stomach was all in knots because of the appointment and today he asked me “Are you just worried that they’ll say you can’t use your eggs?” To which I responded, “I don’t know. I’m worried about so many things. I don’t know what I want any more. On the one hand, if they tell us no I’ll be crushed, but if they tell us yes that means we’ll be starting on a long, difficult process that freaks me out.” He said “Well, it’s not like we’re starting tomorrow.” I said “Well, no, but we can’t wait too long. We have to start looking for a surrogate…” “Wait. I’m not ready to start looking for a surrogate yet.” I tried to explain to him that it’s a long process and the more time we have to get to know our carrier the more comfortable we’ll be, yada, yada, yada. Well he said, “I thought we weren’t even doing this for two or three years.” What?! I flew off the handle. I said, “I thought we were going to do it next year! I was going off of what you said when I asked you when you saw us actually starting to try.” Anyway, I was crying, he was saying “Well I don’t know how all this works. You’re the one who has done all the research, not me.” I told him I’ve wanted to talk to him about it, but every time I do he rolls his eyes at me, so I try not to bring it up because I don’t want him to think I’m obsessing (even though I am).

Needless to say, I was an emotional mess. Finally he did say some things to make me feel better. He said he didn’t care HOW we got a baby. It didn’t matter to him, just as long as we got to be parents. So he said it’s up to me, we can do the surrogacy if that’s possible (remember, we hadn’t gone to the doctor yet), or we could adopt. And if we ended up with no kids, that would be okay too. Yes, he wants to be a father, but he said as long as he has me and I’m happy, he’s happy too.

Oh, and did I mention that this whole conversation took place over the phone? He had gone in to work for a staff meeting and was on his way back home, just in time to meet me at the doctor’s office. When he met me in the hallway, he hugged me and said “It will be okay, no matter what happens.” I almost started crying again, but managed to hold it together.

Sitting in the waiting room was torture. We were the only ones there, so at least no one else had to see me fidgeting. Hubby was really sweet and held my hand squeezing it once in awhile to reassure me. We finally went back and talked with the Nurse (Linda) and she got some info from me and added details to the forms I’d already filled out. Then we met with Dr. Goldstein. He talked us through the whole process and answered any questions we had. Hubby said he felt like we were being rushed at the end because he kept saying “Questions?” after each of the answers he gave. But I think that’s just the way he is. After all, he answered every question we asked and didn’t indicate that he thought they were stupid questions (even if he did). I asked questions about the what requirements he has for the GS, since I’ve heard that many REs have BMI restrictions and whatnot. He said the most important thing in a carrier is that she is trustworthy and reliable. The rest was up to us.

For now I think we’re just going to get this base line testing done, then wait a bit before putting out feelers for a GS. Hubby wants to be settled into our new house (assuming that ever happens!) before we start looking. He actually asked “Would January be too late to start looking?” I honestly don’t know. If I’m hoping to transfer in about a year, will January would be pushing it for finding our GS? When do we put up an ad? I just don’t know.”

My stomach is feeling much better now. It’s such a relief to know what path we will be taking. I know there are still uncertainties, but at least we’re headed in a direction now.

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Filed under doctor's appts., emotions, husband, progress, RE, stress

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