I’ve continued to be somewhat out of it. At least today I didn’t sit around doing nothing. I have been making samples of some embroidery designs I have that I think would look good on shirts for school. It’s kept me somewhat busy, though I have a lot of time when the machine is doing its thing to sit and think. Not that I really know what it is I’ve been thinking about. My mind has pretty much been a big muddle. But I do know my emotions have been wacked out. There have been several times throughout the day that I’ve been near tears for no particular reason.
I was emailing a fellow IM (she had her second transfer into her GS last week and is in the dreaded two week wait) today and we were both in a bit of a funk. She told me how awful the two week wait is treating her and I was telling her that I am stressing about the consultation on Tuesday. I have only told my surrogacy friends (and my cardiologist) about the appointment. I don’t know why I haven’t told my family at all (of course, my husband knows, since he’s going with me). I was telling my IM friend that I’m half worried that the RE will say I can’t use my own eggs and half worried that he’ll say I can.
Right now, I’m thinking that without my eggs we won’t do surrogacy. Which means the dream of being there through the whole process will be gone. We would probably attempt to adopt, but we probably wouldn’t get our child until he/she was 6 months or so (we’re leaning towards international adoption if we go that route). Which means we’d miss out on a lot.
But if we CAN use my eggs, that means it’s time to get busy looking for a GS. And I’m SO afraid I won’t find the right one. I want so badly to find a GS that can be a best friend to me and become a part of our family. I also want her to be local so I can attend all of her appointments. I’m afraid I might be one of the scary IMs. I don’t intend to be controlling, but I do want to be completely involved. I want to experience the pregnancy as much as I possibly can, which means I’m going to be currious about every little thing. Will that be interpreted as too pushy, nosy, annoying? The thought of finding just the right person scares me to death. Almost more than the thought of not getting a child. I just don’t know how to go about finding the right person, but not coming off as a stalker. Does that make sense?
Also, I really don’t want to use an agency because I would rather save that money and do it myself. But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to organize everything we’re supposed to get together. I’ve already thought about the lawyer who will do the contracts and PBO, but what about all of the money stuff? I know some people have their lawyer set up an escrow account, but how does that usually work? Does all of the money have to be there from the very start, or do we add money as we go? I guess these are questions I’ll ask the lawer once I get to that stage.
And I’m not sure what to expect or be willing to pay for compensation. I’ve seen such a wide range of compensation amounts that I’m not sure what would be realistic to expect. I am hoping that I can find someone on the lower end, but at the same time, I DO value their gift to us and don’t want to cheat them out of what they deserve. Is pampering her enough to show her and her family what they mean to us?
I also fear that my husband isn’t going to be as involved in the process as I want him to be. I want him to help me with choosing a GS, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m rushing him, when in reality I want to be able to take our time choosing. I don’t want to be getting close to our target time and not have found the perfect GS, then end up settling for the first “okay” one that comes along, resulting in a less than ideal journey for us all.
This is the first time I’ve put these fears into words. They’ve been floating around in my head for a couple of weeks now, but I just didn’t want to really face them. But it kind of helps getting them out. Heck, I haven’t even begun the worries over will the embies stick, will the baby be healthy, will the delivery be smooth, will I be there for the delivery, will we stay close after, etc. There are SO many worries involved in this on top of the worries every parent has. It’s so not fair dealing with all this. I just want something to be easy. Why is that so much to ask?