Elusive Sleep

I can’t sleep. This has been happening far too often recently. I suppose it has something to do with having a lot on my mind and therefore being unable to quiet my brain enough to get to sleep. Lately we’ve had a lot happening in our lives.

We’re in the process of trying to buy a house. Sometimes that keeps me up at night. We’ve finally found the house we want and can see ourselves raising a child in, but are in limbo as far as the contract goes at this point. All we can do is wait. And to be honest, that isn’t really what’s on my mind tonight.

Babies have also been on my mind a lot lately. My sister had a baby June 5th (exactly 8 weeks ago) and I’ve been both enjoying spending time with my nephew and also being jealous of what my sister has and how easy it was for her. I don’t seem to have a problem with sleeping when I’m actually around him, but my sister, mom, and nephew headed back home today (they were visiting so that our grandparents could meet the little guy). This visit seemed to be more rough than the other three times I’ve seen him since he was born. I guess I was just feeling less than adequate because I haven’t been making the progress towards a surrogacy journey that I’d hoped yet.

My heart has also been giving me a lot of sleepless nights. I had an ICD implanted in March (to replace the pacemaker I’ve had since I was seven) and a month later we discovered one of the leads was no longer working. So I had to go back and have another surgery to replace that lead in May. It is two months later and even though I thought I was completely healed, I’m having pain and swelling at the site. I’ve put in a call to my Electrophysiologist (EP) and talked to his nurse practioner (NP) and will be trying to get in and be looked at sooner rather than later. I’ve already had issues with an infection at the site of my last ICD. This is certainly not something I want to repeat! Though I can’t imagine an infection flaring up after two months!

Is it any wonder I can’t sleep? Not to mention the fact that my husband is in our bedroom snoring to shake the rafters… Normally it doesn’t bother me much, but only if I get to sleep first (which most nights I do). However, tonight it looks like I may have to camp out on the couch if I can find a comfortable position with my shoulder hurting the way it does… Nothing can ever be easy, can it???

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Filed under sleep, stress

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