10.30.08
Cruel Torture
Waiting… It has to be the worst kind of torture known to man. Knowing something is coming and not being able to do anything to speed up (or in some cases, slow down) it’s impending arrival. There’s a lot of waiting in life. Waiting to be able to crawl, walk, talk, etc. at least is a faded memory. Waiting for that boy to call, or waiting to find out how you did on that final exam are easier to bear now that they are over. And truthfully, once the waiting is over we often wonder what the fuss was all about. But when you’re smack-dab in the middle of the waiting, it’s pure torture. Waiting for surgery, waiting for a special event, waiting for vacation… All torturous.
Right now, I’m in the limbo of waiting for more than one event. And it may just be what takes me over the edge of sanity (since I was barely hanging on already!).
November 7th… Eight days away… Awaiting the day that we get to find out how many embryos decided to stick around. Anticipating the possibility of seeing the heart(s) beat. Longing for the day to arrive when we have more proof that we will be parents and our dream is coming true.
November 10th (says the scheduler, though I have my doubts)… Eleven days away… Awaiting the surgery that will (hopefully) bring some of my energy back. Anticipating the awful sinking feeling of going under anesthesia. Dreading the day that the pain of being sliced open will return and hoping it will be no more than a single incision. Praying that this will be the last one for quite awhile.
Lots of waiting going on these days. It’s hard to live in the moment when such big events are looming on the horizon. I have to force myself to sit down and remember what it is I need to do each day. My mind wanders and I find myself getting next to nothing done. I’ve decided to try to keep myself busy. Tonight we plan to go to dinner with my MIL and BIL. Tomorrow I plan to begin a new sewing project. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. Beyond that, I’ll just have to wait and see…
11.24.07
Sewing frustrations
I’m so frustrated with my sewing these days. I didn’t get a chance to work on the place mats on Monday or Tuesday because as soon as I got home from work (it was a late day) we met my MIL and BIL for dinner, after which BIL came home with us to spend the night (he didn’t have school the next day and N didn’t have to work). So of course, when I got home Tuesday we ended up going out to dinner with MIL again to repeat the “exchange.” I spent all day Wednesday working on those place mats. I did take a break to go to the grocery store briefly, and to stuff the turkey. Other than that I worked almost exclusively on sewing. Even once my brother and his wife got here, I continued to sew, with my SIL helping to press seams. I went to bed around midnight, then woke up at 6:15. N had to go to work and I ended up waking up as he was leaving. After I got the turkey in the oven (that was around 8:00) and my brother woke up, I returned to the sewing room to work on the place mats. People were set to arrive at 11, so a little before that I went to get dressed, and returned to work. I didn’t stop working until the doorbell rang. At which point I only had 3 completed place mats and a lot of fronts and backs that were not sewn together… I gave up. I wasn’t going to spend any more effort on a losing battle. 
Today I had the pattern for the turtle quilt I want to make for my nephew printed up so I can get started on it. Unfortunately, I just spent the last hour in the sewing room and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I tried and tried to get that first seam sewn, but I cut the fabric exact instead of giving extra because I was afraid of running out of that fabric. I should have known better. I’ve now decided I’m going to get a different fabric for the brown so I won’t be quite as concerned about how much I cut. Plus, it was a very slippery fabric to work with anyway.
All this to say I’m very frustrated with myself. I’m feeling like I can’t get anything right, sewing wise. I want so badly to be good at it, but fail miserably. At least I do learn from my mistakes. Or at least, I think I do. I still intend to make place mats for my MIL, but I intend to do things a bit differently for hers. And I’ve figured out that I need to feel comfortable with plenty of excess when working on the turtle quilt, or it will just cause a lot of mistakes. Hopefully things will go better tomorrow. I really want to be able to show some of my work off at school next week, but I’m wondering if that’s going to be possible now… We shall see.
