03.15.08
“Hookin’ up”
LD and her hubby (D) came to visit today. They were going to come for the weekend, but couldn’t get anyone to watch their kids (and fur-kids) for the whole weekend, so came in just for the day. The day started with a TOSS get together, then we came to the house and talked, played Rock Band, and talked some more. We went to dinner and then it was time for them to go. 
Overall it went well. N liked them both and when I asked him what he thought of LD he said “I think she’ll take good care of our fetus.” So I guess it’s official. We’re matched! 
Of course, there is still a lot to do before it’s compltely official (in a legal sense), but for the most part we’re all in agreement about working together.
Some funny/notable moments from today:
- At one point in our conversation I said something about “hooking up” with LD. N and D found that really funny and started making jokes about their wives hooking up and wanting to know if they could watch/hold the video camera when I knock her up. 
- LD and N spent much of the afternoon discussing nursing school and study habits. While I think N might have scared LD a little bit, I wonder if maybe it will leave her more prepared for the challenge to come. It was great hearing N and LD relate to one another beyond the “match.”
- At lunch, while N was in the bathroom, two of the TOSS gals said to me “He’s not at all like I was expecting. He sounded totally comfortable talking about surrogacy. It sounds like maybe he’s crossed over to being more ready.” I have a feeling I may have painted a darker picture of N than I should have on TOSS. Though, I have noticed that N was pretty open about talking with his coworker last night about surrogacy, so maybe he has moved into the “this is reality” mind-set.
- While I was out of the car getting money from the ATM, N apparently made a joke about robbing banks. When I got back in the car LD says to me (completely joking) “Yeah, I think we’re going to need to get background checks done on y’all.” Which led me to say (in all seriousness) “I’d actually been thinking about that and I honestly don’t think I need one for you. I know people say you’re crazy if you don’t do one, but I feel like I’ve known you forever.” That led us to discussing (and joking about) the various ways we could check up on each other without going through actual background checks.
The only thing I worry about is that D is SO quiet. I know LD has said that he’s always quiet, so I don’t think it’s us. I just know that N and I both felt a little awkward trying to come up with conversations to have with him. Of course, as N said, he did start to loosen up a little towards the end of the day. I’m hoping that means the more often we get together the easier it will be. I want to be like family with their whole family, not just LD. We discussed the possibility of doing a camping trip (or a trip to LD’s dad’s lake house) with the whole family, and I think it sounds like a lot of fun, personally. D said that LD would have to have a shower, but he and the kids would love it. So perhaps it will be something we can do this summer? I’m hoping N and I can go up to visit them in the not too distant future. I don’t know for sure, but we’ll see.
So one more step has been taken (husbands meeting). I wonder what the next one will be…
03.05.08
Baby steps
Pun not intended, but accepted.
I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself, but it is SO hard not to get carried away! LD and I basically consider ourselves matched. But I’ve told her that I want N to have the final word. So we’re trying to figure out a way for us all to get together so he can meet them (LD and her husband, D). We happen to have Spring Break the same week, so we were hoping to work it out then, but it’s still completely up in the air.
Yesterday LD put in her signature to TOSS “potentially matched” and now there are people who are saying they have a good guess as to who it might be (I’m sure they know it’s me). Actually, when I wrote last night that I was getting excited someone wrote back “I think I know why…” So we’re being a little obvious, I guess, but it’s SO much fun!
Today, while monitoring for the TAKS test I had a hard time not thinking about surrogacy and the possibility that we could be trying to transfer some time this year. I started writing lists of things I needed to do and questions to ask (which I’m sure I’ll lose and rewrite a hundred times. It’s my way. ). One thing I did think of, though, is that I need to find out if the RE will expect us to have a 6 month quarantine on N’s sperm. If so, I want to get his “stuff” to them ASAP. That way we can, potentially, do a transfer in late September/early October. Now how do I ask that question on TOSS without people being overly suspicious??? Hmm… Maybe LD can ask it. Since she’s halfway outted herself already. We’ll see.
02.20.08
Budding friendship
I talked to LD for an hour last night on the phone! I’ll admit, at first I was a little nervous. After all, we’ve only met in person once. But we got very comfortable with each other quickly (I don’t think she was nervous) and talked about all kinds of things. The reason that prompted the call was because she and her IM are having to go their separate ways. They tried 3 times to do an FET, but none of them took. So now the RE is telling her IM (who happens to be P from a previous post) that she should try with a different surro. Neither of them WANTS to move on, but they both understand that it apparently just wasn’t to be. It’s very disheartening. Especially with the number of things that keep going wrong for LD this year. I won’t go into it, but I can pretty much equate it to 2004/5 for me!
Anyway, I wanted to call LD and talk to her, just to see how she was doing. But I didn’t know when a good time would be to call, since she does have kids and all… So I emailed her and asked what a good time might be and the next thing I knew the phone was ringing! It was funny, though. I totally wasn’t expecting her to call me, and when the phone rang I thought it would be N saying he would be late at work (his shift had ended about 30 minutes earlier). When it ended up being a woman’s voice on the other end I got nervous, thinking it was a coworker of N’s telling me something had happened to him. How dumb is that??? I’ve never had a phone call like that, and can’t imagine why that popped into my head.
When N got home he and LD started talking to each other through me. Not a full conversation, just throwing insults back and forth. I know N is going to like her! She has offered to carry for us when we are ready. I told her I didn’t want her to wait around for us, since it would be a couple of years before we’ll be heading down that path (unless N completely changes his mind AND we win the lottery). So she said that if something comes along, she’ll take it, but she doesn’t think she’ll go looking. She apparently was talking to her kids about the fact that she wouldn’t be helping P anymore and they asked what she was going to do now. She told them that she had a couple she was thinking about working with, but it might be a while. Her son asked her how many bedrooms we have and she said “They just got a new house, but I think they have three. Why?” He said “Well, they probably sleep in one of them, but that leaves two more. You can have two babies for them!” I told her “Don’t tell him we actually have four bedrooms!”
I really love her to pieces and hope everything works out for us to take this journey together. I wish she didn’t live three hours away, but I think I’m willing to make that drive for her. She and I agree on SO many things. She only wants a natural childbirth, and does not want to be induced (I agree fully!). She believes in breast feeding, but does not feel she has to nurse the baby in the hospital as some surros I’ve come into contact do. She does not believe in selective reduction and she is completely in this to help people become parents, not for the money. And from what I gather from our conversations, her hubby is a gem as well! I can’t wait to meet her whole family someday.
Actually, one of the other TOSS members (K) is due any day now with a surro baby (IM is also on TOSS). K lives about an hour from LD and LD is three hours from me. I tossed the idea of my driving to her and picking her up, then going on to see K and her IM with the baby when she is born. Now we’re just waiting for news that K has given birth and then we’ll decide if we’re really going to do it. I told my sister I might be coming down to see her and W this weekend, but it’s looking like K might be ready before then. If so, I may change my plans with E and go the other direction instead… We haven’t heard from either K or her IM today, so we’re starting to wonder…
I guess I’ve gone on long enough. I’m sure you can tell I’m in much better spirits today. I feel like there may be hope yet…
12.30.07
What are the odds?!
So I emailed a woman from SMO yesterday. I can’t really explain why, but I felt compelled to contact her. She lives in DFW and she’s due with her first surro-boy in January (though has already started having some contractions). She knows she wants to do this again, though (obviously) will have to wait before starting. She emailed me this morning saying that she was leaving work and wouldn’t have email access from home, but I could call her. At first I wasn’t sure I should. After all, I’m not officially looking, didn’t really know what to say, etc… I finally called about 3:30. And we talked for an hour and a half! I was shocked.
But the really interesting part is that her husband had valve replacement surgery 3 years ago and is on coumadin! What are the odds of my contacting a surro who knows first hand about valve replacement and anticoagulation?! She actually asked me what I thought about home monitoring and I told her I have a home test unit and LOVE it. I was able to share with her info on how to get one and my experiences with home testing. It was great. I feel like I was destined to contact her, even if she’s not “the one.” She also gave me quite a bit of good information about the protocol her RE used which did not involve injections at all!
I’m not ruling it out, but I’m fairly certain I don’t feel comfortable using her as a surro, though. She lives about 2 hours away (not that it’s too far, but I was hoping for a little closer), and the biggest kicker is that her hubby smokes. She says he only smokes outside, but that still bugs me a bit. However, I do feel like I’ve met a potential friend. We agreed on a LOT of things, though. It was great talking to her and I hope we continue to talk with each other.
12.09.07
Ack!
I replied to an ad on SMO today. I probably shouldn’t have. After all, I’m not supposed to be looking right now… What do I do if she and I hit it off? What will Nathan say? We probably won’t, though, so I don’t know what I’m worried about. I’m way too picky, apparently. I emailed the group about my thoughts on what I want from a journey to see if I had any hope of getting those things. Most replies didn’t sound like it was likely. Just about everyone said I would probably have to make compromises. I figured as much, but it’s still disappointing.
The woman I replied to is a teacher, gave birth naturally, lives in Texas (though I don’t know where, yet), and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to respond to her just because I am supposed to wait another month. But now I’m wishing I hadn’t replied. I’m worried for many reasons and not just that I could end up upsetting Nathan. After all, I may never even hear back from her. But it’s very scary to put yourself out there and possibly be rejected.
Ugh! I’m going to drive myself crazy!
12.08.07
Ramblings of an unfocused mind…
Yesterday I got an email from an IM friend of mine who is looking for a new GS (things didn’t work out with her last one). She asked if I had a list of questions or requirements that I use. Of course, since I haven’t really started looking yet, I don’t, but I did write this reply to her. I wanted to save it here because I made some realizations as I wrote it. Here it is:
I’m avoiding an agency if at all possible (and I think it will be). I just don’t see spending that money when it can be better spent somewhere else. I have someone I’ve met with and we sort of mentioned that it COULD be a possibility to work together, but neither of our husbands are quite ready for us to be looking (she delivered twins in July). We were talking lots in September/October, but really haven’t talked much in a while. Not sure where that will go, or if we’ll just stay friends. Right now I don’t feel like she’s completely “the one” (for silly reasons, she’s actually wonderful in almost every way), but I’m not positive what that is either, you know?
As for questions, I think you just need to have an idea in your head of what experience YOU want out of the process. If you want to be good friends, then make sure you get to know each other beyond the “business” arrangement. I’ve been trying to get together lists of my “have to have” vs. “nice to have” and “absolutely DON’T want” vs. “I can put up with it.” I’m still trying to figure out what those are. When Nathan and I “revisit the subject” in January, I hope to find out from him what he wants. I doubt it is much.
Personally, I want someone who has the same philosophy as I do on pregnancy, delivery, and child rearing. I realize that they won’t actually be rearing my child, but if they have a similar philosophy, not only will we get along better, but my child will be exposed in the womb to a similar environment to that we will have in our home once he/she arrives. Does that make sense? That’s the first time I’ve ever put that into words.
Regarding the delivery, I would love to find someone who would go natural, without drugs of any kind. I do not believe in inducing (as nice as that might be for scheduling purposes), and want my baby to make an appearance alert and awake when he/she is darn good and ready. I didn’t realize I wanted this until I started talking with that local GS. She had a c-section with the twins and says that when she does this again she wants to do another c-section. Now, I have nothing against c-sections, but I don’t really like the idea of planning one just because it’s more convenient. Know what I mean?
I would also like someone who would be willing to pump once the baby is born (I do NOT want them to nurse). I actually have started looking into it a bit more and may actually try to induce lactation after all (found out that coumadin doesn’t pass through the breast milk).
I suppose I want these things because they are the way my mother did things. I realize that there are many different ways to have and raise a baby. However, if I can find someone who would do things as close to the way I would if I were allowed to do this myself, I sure would love it.
Having said all that, I have not once talked with a GS about these desires of mine. I did tell the GS I was talking to that, if I were able to do this myself, I would want to do it without drugs if at all possible. But I don’t know if she realized I sort of meant I’d rather my GS did it that way too. There’s one woman on my group who had her own child back in May and wants to continue breast feeding until she is a year old, but then wants to start on a GS (she has been a TS twice). I’ve seriously considered contacting her privately and see if she would think about working with me, since she has done all of her deliveries (5 in all) naturally, and this last one was even in a birthing center. She obviously has a similar philosophy about breast feeding, and is actually helping me to find out if I can safely induce lactation (She’s a postpartum nurse). Actually, the more I’m writing, the more I’m thinking I just might email her off group…
I did end up emailing that GS (We’ll call her MB). But I haven’t heard back from her at all. I’m almost regretting that I sent it, mostly because I’m nervous. It’s weird. With M I am completely comfortable to talk about anything and love her as a friend. But I’m not so keen on the idea of a planned c-section. However, I’m a little more nervous around MB, but love her philosophy on birthing and breast feeding… I don’t know what I want. Oh, well. I still have some time to figure it out. Though really it’s only a month away before we can “revisit” the subject. I hope N and I can sit down and talk about what we are both wanting out of the journey and how involved he wants to be in everything (I hope he wants to be very involved). Perhaps I’ll even have him sit down with me and read through some info on SMO or another site.
10.06.07
IM bonding…
My IM friend, P, is coming up today for a visit (she lives 4 hours away). She’ll be staying the night, so we’ll have plenty of time for chat, gosip, and bonding. I hope she can help me with my conflicting emotions. I did email her (tried to call, but she was at a quilt show) some of what was going on (without mentioning names), but she never emailed me back… Makes me wonder if she got it or is just waiting to talk in person or what… I dunno. I do know that she’s been super busy lately and hasn’t posted much on TOSS either. But having her here face to face should help. I expect her to be here by dinner time, so there’s still time to clean some more (I’m trying to at least condense the boxes so it doesn’t look quite as cluttered!). I also need to cook for tomorrow. I’ve invited other TOSS girls to come over to hang out. So far there will only be a total of 4 of us (M included), but I was hoping more would come. Oh, well. We should still have fun.
M posted on TOSS that we had met, simply because we knew it would come out eventually since we’ll be seeing other TOSSers face-to-face and it will be obvious that we know each other pretty well. Especially since we’ll be having a BBQ at her house in two weeks where her kids and husband would surely give it away when they recognize and know me. No one really seemed to connect the fact that she saw me and the email I sent saying I’d gotten together with a good friend and her family and would be seeing her again for lunch. One person did ask if we were matched, but due to a completely different comment. I just said “I’m not matched yet” and left it at that. It was the truth! Who knows if we ever will be.
I like her. I really, really do. But they say that when you find the right person you just “know.” So why don’t I have that feeling? I want very much for her to be “the one” but I don’t want to match if we’re not 100% right for each other. Let me see, what are the pros and cons?
Pros:
proximity
comfortable with each other
love her family
N seems to like them too
agree on many aspects of surrogacy (though we haven’t discussed everything)
she’s aware of my craziness and keeps coming back
Cons:
she wants another c-section
she sometimes takes several days to email me back
Okay, so the pros outweigh the cons right now, so what the heck is my problem??? I SO need this IM bonding time!
10.01.07
Come and gone
M came today for lunch. She was here for 3 hours. We talked and talked about all kinds of stuff. But not surrogacy. At least, not a particular journey between the two of us. I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to bring it up and vice versa, or if it just hasn’t felt right to talk about particulars yet. We did say we were keeping our options open and if things worked out between us, great, and if not at least we made a really good friend. I wonder if maybe she’s at the same place I am, where she would love to work with someone so nearby, but at the same time isn’t sure if I’m “the one” for her. I do get along with her very well, and I love her kids. And we seem to agree on most things. But I wonder if I’m only interested in working with her because of her proximity, or if she’s someone I would go for no matter where she is… Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t found any reason to feel uncomfortable with her. Like I said, we get along great. We obviously have no problem coming up with conversation topics. And it seemed to me that everything surrogacy-wise that we did discuss we were in agreement on. The only thing I keep coming back to is that she wants to have another c-section. And I don’t blame her, really. But I guess I just always hoped to have someone who would be willing to go natural, like I would do if I were able. Granted, most women these days use epidurals at the very least, and M said she’s done all three types of birth (natural, epidural, and c-section) and she feels like she was more aware in the c-section than either of the other two because she was just so exhuasted from how long it all took. I guess I have unrealistic expectations, considering my sister’s easy labor and birth (natural). I don’t like the idea of “taking” the baby before he/she is actually ready. I guess it’s just hitting home that I won’t be able to have my “ideal birth” in any way, shape, or form. Unless I go with someone else. I know there is still time and I’m not committed to M in any way. But it seems silly, if we agree on so many other things, for me to keep going back to that c-section issue. Granted, I didn’t tell HER that it was an issue for me. Though I did say that if I were able to do it myself I’d want to go natural. But that isn’t a possibility and I know it’s the GS’s decision how she wants to deliver. It is her body afterall. But I would rather my baby be completely alert when he/she is born than drugged up and sluggish.
What am I even thinking about this for?! It’s completely rediculous to be worrying over this when I’m not matched and we still have plenty of time to determine if we’re right for each other. And I can’t exactly discuss it on TOSS, since M is on there and would read it! Maybe when my friend P comes up next weekend (she’s an IM) we can talk and I can ask her opinion on it. I am more confused than ever!
Meeting aproaches…
I’ve been trying to clean (or at least straighten up) since I woke up. I know I won’t be able to get the house looking as good as I’d like, since there’s no way I’m getting all of N’s boxes cleared away in the next hour, but I don’t want us to look like complete slobs. Even though we kind of are. Though I’ve noticed that I’m a LOT more clean (and N would say “anal”) than I was at the old place. I think I’m just afraid of this house getting as bad as the last one. N doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. That’s okay. I guess I’ll just keep coming along behind him and cleaning up his messes. I’m sure it will get old, but maybe he’ll get a clue one of these days?
Anyway, I’m pretty anxious about M coming over today. Not only because the house isn’t as presentable as I’d like it to be, but also because we will (most likely) be talking more specifics as far as our expectaions for a surrogacy journey. I have no idea if our expectations will match. I’m trying to make it very clear that I will want to be very involved and not miss out on even a moment of the process. So far she’s seemed agreeable to that, but you never know if someone is just agreeing for now, or if they’d get annoyed later on. KWIM? Plus, I don’t know if we’ll end up talking $$ today or if we’ll wait for another day. After all, we still have LOTS of time for that. I’m not even sure what to expect as “reasonable.” I’m very excited to have her over, though, so I’m going to concentrate on that. If I can make it that long. I still don’t know for sure what I’m making for lunch. I have stuff for sandwiches (peanut butter, turkey, or cheese), pasta salad, or pasta w/ tomato sauce. I guess I’ll give her a choice. I also have stir-fry that I was going to make tonight, but may not get to since N might work a double tonight. At this point, I don’t care what we eat, so long as I don’t become a nervous wreck between now and then.
Oh, the other question we should probably discuss this time around is what we do about telling the other TOSS girls. It isn’t an issue right now, since we just haven’t mentioned it on the list (though we both tend to put in little comments that the only we will get), but next weekend we may be getting together with several TOSS girls, and the next week she’s having a BBQ and inviting them as well. Surely they’ll notice that her kids and husband know me? I don’t know. We’ll just cross that bridge when we get there… I need to go see about showering and looking for any other places I can straighten up (like the TV trays in the living room, maybe).
09.29.07
Woo hoo!
It looks like M and I will get to meet up on Monday for lunch without anyone else around. We may get to talk about stuff yet. I know we don’t have to decide anything right now, but it will make me feel better to know if we’ll be heading that direction or not. KWIM?
