07.14.09
Heart Update
After the surgery in September from that broken defibrillator lead I never really felt like I got back to the energy level I’d had before that. I spoke to the doctors at St. Paul after that third surgery in December and they recommended an AV optimization (programing the defibrillator to have the top and bottom chambers timed exactly right). I was finally able to have that done at the end of April, but afterwards I didn’t feel any better. Actually, I almost felt worse. Then, in May, I started having problems with major ankle swelling. I called my cardiologist to set up an appointment and was told the first available would be June 9th (that fit with my schedule, that is). So I set the appointment, knowing full well I’d probably not be able to keep it due to the babies. Sure enough, the babies arrived the day before the appointment. I rescheduled and yesterday was that appointment.
Well, I explained what had been going on the last year, basically, and I am so lucky because my cardiologist is always up for figuring things out, no matter what it takes. She never makes me feel rushed (of course, we were the only patients there the entire length of our visit) and she never makes me feel like my concerns aren’t completely valid. She listens to everything and starts piecing together possible scenarios, and explains to us what she is thinking. She doesn’t just sit back and wait for things to sort themselves out, or say I’m just going to have to live with it, or any of that sort of thing. No, she’s proactive. And when she doesn’t know the answer, she always looks for people who might. She knows just about everyone in the cardiology field and can put in a call to the top people and get results. Can you tell I love the woman?
Anyway, as I was explaining what was going on, she talked about various possibilities, one of which was a possible concern with my mechanical valve. I truly don’t believe that is where the problem lies, and she’s not saying it is, just that she wants to check and make sure it is working well. I’m set up for a MUGA scan on Friday (I get one every year to check my heart function) and hopefully that will give us some information about what is different from last year.
Then she listened to my heart. She got a funny look on her face. Then told me to stay where I was and pulled out her PDA. As she looked through my file (yes, on her PDA) she explained what she heard. Instead of the usual one sharp click for every heart beat, she was hearing two. Very odd. She came back and listened again and it was perfectly normal. This started us thinking that perhaps I was going into an atrial arrhythmia and she asked me to go over to my EP’s office to get a defibrillator reading. Low and behold… nothing. No explanation for what it could be. But at least I’m not the only crazy one, feeling something “funny” and not knowing what it could be!
Anyway, before we left her office she said she was going to present me to the cardiology conference that will be tonight and see what others think. Then, of course, there’s that MUGA scan on Friday. Hopefully we’ll find an answer that is as simple as reprogramming my defibrillator just a hair and I’ll be as good as gold! Well, we can pray that’s it, anyway. And failing that, I’ll take a tweak in meds. But please, Lord, no more surgery! I know I can’t handle that AND taking care of twin infants.
Oh, and she did one last thing before we left (at my request). She took a listen to the babies’ hearts. She said they sound great! 
So at least I have peace of mind on that!
I’ll update when I know something. Which I’m warning, will probably be awhile. So try not to worry until then. I’m functioning just fine, just hoping to be back to the energy level I had last year if at all possible.
07.02.09
Due Date Day!
Today is Kyla and Lucas’s Due Date Day! 
They are doing so great.
We also had Lucas’s followup for his arm. N was very nervous because the xray showed that the bone is still at a bit of an angle, but the orthopedist said this wasn’t a problem and it would straighten over time. Yea!!! We don’t have to go back at all if we don’t want to, but he said we could do a followup in 2 months if we just wanted to check on his progress. Also, Lucas is now moving that right arm quite a bit and anyone who didn’t know he had a broken arm when he was born would never even notice.
It has been so fun getting to know their personalities. I realize, of course, that they will change as they grow, but for now we’ve noticed some distinct differences between the two of them. Lucas is much more “needy.” When he’s awake, but sleepy, he likes to be held. He can sit in his bouncy seat and stare at one spot for quite a while (he’s very focused), but soon he starts fussing just to be in someone’s arms. Forget sticking a pacifier in his mouth to sooth him. It won’t stay unless you hold it there. But hold him close and he is content (most of the time). Kyla also loves to be held, but doesn’t seem to need it as much as Lucas. She also seems to be developing her visual and motor skills a bit sooner than Lucas (makes sense, considering the arm). When she’s awake she looks all around. N was trying to get her to look at him one day and she looked everywhere but at him! LOL She’s also picking up her head pretty well and can even hold it up for a good 5-10 seconds! Lucas lifts his head, but is rarely able to keep it up for long. Kyla appears to have two volumes: off, or full-on scream. There’s no in between, so it’s hard to know if she’s just needing her pacifier back in her mouth (she can keep hers in most of the time) or if there’s a big emergency. N says she must love Shakespeare because she makes “much ado about nothing.” LOL
Oddly enough, they also do a lot of things alike. I knew that identical twins would frequently sync up there schedules with each other, but didn’t expect our little fraternal babies to do so to the extent that they do. Every now and then their feeding schedules will manage to get a little off from one another, but they always work their way back to wanting to be fed at the same time. Perhaps that’s my doing, as I try to feed them together at night (saves a little time), but during the day we try to let them dictate their own feeding times. While that one isn’t as much of a surprise, they also seem to have gotten onto the same pooping schedule! Yes, you read that right! It’s not like you can set a clock by them, as they go at various times during the day, but you can almost guarantee that if one has filled his/her diaper, the other has too! Very weird, if you ask me! Oh, and night before last they even got the hiccups at the same time!
Life has been very different in our house, that’s for sure. And even though we sometimes get frustrated because one baby or the other is wanting (no demanding) attention at a time we really would rather be doing something else (like sleep), we are loving it. These two light up our lives and every time we look into either of their faces our hearts melt all over again. We will never be able to say “Thank You” enough to God or our angle, LD, for our little miracles!
06.07.09
No babies yet…
We went in to L&D last night around 9 PM. We found out that LD was 4 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and at “station 1″ (whatever that means). We expected the babies to make their appearance before the end of the night. N came up and arrived around 1 AM. However, at noon today she had only made it to 6 cm and we were given the option of giving her pitocin to speed things up, or coming home (LD’s home, not ours). We chose home. Looks like the babies just wanted to tease us. Please pray we’re back at L&D tonight and it’s the “real deal.” I know we’re all very anxious to meet Kyla and Lucas. Not to mention a tiny bit disappointed that they didn’t cooperate last night/this morning. If they don’t come tonight, we have an OB appointment tomorrow, so I’m pretty sure we’ll end up with babies tomorrow if nothing else (LD thinks he’ll push the pitocin and she might agree this time). I’d rather them come tonight, but God (and they) doesn’t always want the same things I do..
05.18.09
Expectations
I’m having a difficult time having realistic expectations of people. It seems I keep expecting people to have the same emotions, or react the same way as I would. Logically, I know this is unrealistic. I am the only me, and others are not going to think the same way. However, that doesn’t stop me from being disappointed when my friends or family do not react the way I expect/hope they will.
First, there’s my mom. I had expected her to want to see her grandchildren as soon as possible. After all, when my nephew was born, I wanted to be there at the hospital to see him as soon as I possibly could. However, apparently she’s content to wait, and I even get the impression she’s not in any hurry to come see them. Her exact words were “Babies just don’t do it for me. I prefer them when they’re a bit older and can interact more.” I know she didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but she did. And it’s my own fault for expecting her to feel the way I did when W was born.
Then there’s N. I hope he doesn’t mind me sharing this. We’ve talked about it, and I know that he loves our children and is just as excited as I am to meet them. But I unrealistically expected him to want to be totally involved in the pregnancy as well. Because that’s what I want. It’s not that he’s uninterested in the pregnancy, he just is more interested in once the babies are here, and doesn’t really think about the pregnancy except to the extent that things are going well. This weekend I went and stayed with LD and got to feel the babies move. We’d felt it a little the last time we came up, but this was completely different. Before it was like little flutters. But now you can actually feel limbs and imagine what each baby is doing! The whole time I kept thinking “N needs to feel this!” Yet, when I described it to him he said “I’ll feel it next Wednesday” (we’re going up for an u/s). I said “If the babies aren’t born before then!” And he said “Then I’ll get to hold them.” He didn’t get it. And there’s no reason why he should. But it disappointed me anyway.
I’m feeling quite nostalgic as our journey is coming close to the next chapter. I feel like I missed a lot that I had hoped/expected to experience. I haven’t spent nearly as much time with LD as I’d meant to. I haven’t been to all the appointments, as I’d planned. And I feel a little bit of a sadness that the experience I’ve had isn’t quite what I’d hoped for when we started. Not that it’s been a bad experience! Nor is it anyone’s fault that there’s a difference between hopes and reality. I think that the fault really is with me. I needed more flexibility in my vision of what the “prefect” journey would be.
As I’m writing this I realize that LD or N might interpret this post as somehow a lack of something in them. And that is SO completely not true! They have been wonderful. LD shares everything with me and wants me to see this pregnancy as mine. I couldn’t ask for a better friend and GS. And N has been super supportive and has put up with my roller coaster of emotions throughout this experience. No, I can’t blame anyone but myself. I think I misjudged what was realistic. I’ve never been pregnant, and I think I romanticized what the pregnancy would be like. And now that we’re in the thick of it, I’m realizing that it may not be possible for the end (or new beginning?) to be the way I hope.
I want SO much to be there for the birth. But I’m very afraid I won’t be. When I expressed my fears to N this evening he told me I could move up to OK and wait for them to arrive if that’s what I need. But I know that’s not realistic. I do have a job to finish (though if the babies come, that’s just too bad). And I’d hate for LD to feel like a watched pot. And of course, chances are, if I were to go up now, they would wait until after the last day of school anyway. All I can do for now is pray that we’ll have enough warning that we can make it to the hospital before the babies are delivered. As much as I want them to wait until after school is done, I’m kind of hoping we go up next week for the u/s and they say it’s time to go into the hospital and deliver some babies. Just so we can stop the waiting.
LD seems to think that will be the day anyway. She’s had a dream that her water will break that night/morning, D thinks it will be that day, and apparently a friend of hers that is “slightly psychic” sees a 2 or a 7 in our future (how about both!). But even though it seems like a perfect arrangement, I don’t want them born that early. That would be one day shy of 35 weeks. That’s not long enough.
I know I’m over thinking things. I need to just let them come when and how they are going to. I can’t control this and I shouldn’t agonize over it, but that’s easier said than done. 
04.15.09
Prayers needed
For about the last month or so I’ve made sure to have my cell phone on me at all times. This morning I forgot to put it in my pocket and I missed a phone call from LD and a text message from my husband. I read the text first. It said “Don’t freak. I’ve already talked to her. Everything is fine. Signs are just pointing to early delivery. She’s getting steroids now just in case.” 
Um, WTH?!? How do I NOT worry after a message like that?!? So then I listen to the message from LD and I can’t really remember what she said, just that the babies are looking good but could I please call her because there was some new information… Of course, I call her immediately. Yesterday she was having a lot of contractions (or braxton hicks, not sure which). About 4-5 in an hour. I knew this, as I was talking to her through some of them. But they did slow down, so we weren’t worried. Today she had an ultrasound scheduled to check on everything. Well, the babies look great, measuring a little ahead even (Lucas is measuring 3.5 lbs and Kyla is 3 lbs). However, LD’s cervix is starting to thin and open up at the top. So they gave her a steroid shot and will give her another tomorrow. They are also having her take terbutaline to make her uterus relax. They suggested bed rest as well. However, she has only one more week left of school for the semester (she’s in nursing school), so DH and I both told her to finish the semester. We don’t want her to lose an entire semester’s worth of VERY hard work for just one week. And we know she’ll take it as easy as she can in class, and rest completely at home. Once classes are over she’ll go on bedrest for the remainder.
I’m encouraged by the fact that many people I’ve talked to have had this happen (around the same time) and were able to continue to cook the babies for quite some time. But I’m SO afraid of NICU time. I want to be able to hold my babies right away. But I know it is all in God’s hands and He knows what is best.
Please pray the babies stay in long enough to be able to come home and not need a stay in the NICU. And if you could add a prayer that they’ll be champion breastfeeders, that would be great too!
02.01.09
Amazed
So when I prayed for some encouragement, apparently He took me pretty seriously. 
I pumped 8 times today (3 AM, 6 AM, 9 AM, 11:30 AM, 2 PM, 5 PM, 7:30 PM, and 10:30 PM), and when you total it all together I got 30 ml (1 oz) of milk! That sounds like so little, but it’s amazing to me to be getting this much when yesterday I wasn’t even getting a full ml. Also, it’s flowing much more than yesterday. I think it’s switched from colostrum to milk!
My breasts have been feeling “different” today. I’m not really sure how to pinpoint what is different, but there’s definitely a slow change taking place. I’m thinking that this is not usual for someone who isn’t using domperidone. After all, my OB/GYN felt that pumping for 4 months would be necessary to get a full supply. I’m starting to think I’ll be there long before the babies are. Which is completely awesome. I’ll have a nice supply stored up for them, if I even need it.
I probably shouldn’t get too cocky. I know I could end up stalled right where I am (or even go back wards). But I’m very encouraged and have faith that I will get to the point where I can feed my babies at my breast. How cool is that!
To summarize:
- Pumped 8 times, for a total of 1 oz of colostrum. (see above list of times)
- Took More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue 1 capsule each, 4 times.
- Drank 2 cups of Mother’s Milk Tea in the morning.
- Ate whole oat cereal for breakfast.
01.30.09
Answered prayer
So yesterday was discouraging and I prayed for some encouragement that I’m doing the right thing. I pumped at 1 AM, and got nothing. I pumped again at 5 AM and 7 AM, and still nothing.
Then a coworker of mine came to me with a present. She and I had talked yesterday about my pumping and I told her I had read that having something that smells like a baby can help with bringing in milk. This morning she brought me a onesie that her infant daughter wore yesterday! I was absolutely floored by this thoughtful gift. For someone to be so supportive of what I’m trying to do is very humbling.
Of course, I tried it at my 10:30 AM pumping. And got more (and bigger) drops than I’d ever gotten before! I immediately went to my coworker and gave her a huge hug and thank you for her help. God knew what He was doing. It was just the encouragement I needed. I actually started looking forward to the next pumping session to see if the onesie would work again.
I pumped again at 3 PM (I didn’t like having such a large gap between pumpings, but classes got in the way). Again, I got larger drops than before. But I also got a tiny spot of blood from my right nipple as well. Ouch! I’d already decided I needed to go get some lanolin for my nipples, and that made me doubly sure.
So after work I went and got lanolin, breast pads, sanitary quick wipes for cleaning the pump parts, and a package of receiving blankets. My coworker said she would use the blankets and bring them to me so her little girl can continue to help my milk come in (I was so touched when she said that some day, when her daughter can understand it, she plans to tell her the part she played in helping me!).
When I pumped at 5:30 PM I used the onesie again and I got even more! As a matter of fact, I even got some drops to go into the collection bottle! Granted, I still couldn’t really collect it, but it was WAY more than before.
On the way home from dinner my right nipple started to tingle/itch/hurt. I think it’s gotten pretty chapped. I’ve used the lanolin, which I think has started to help, but that nipple still looks pretty raw. I went ahead and pumped again at 9:00 and there was even more! The drops came almost immediately after starting the pump and there was enough in the bottle that I could shake it around in the bottom. I decided to try and see how much it was by collecting it in a syringe. The total from both breasts was .2 ml. Not a lot, but certainly more than I’ve gotten so far!
I want to save what I’m getting (now that there’s enough to actually collect), but I read that breastmilk can only be stored for 3 months in the regular freezer (we don’t have a deep freeze). So by the time the babies would be here the milk (colostrum) would be bad. I put the syringe into the freezer anyway, but I don’t know what the point is. I don’t want it to go to waste, but I don’t want them to be here in less than 3 months either. I guess I’ll save the colostrum and then decide later what to do with the milk as it comes in. (what a wonderful problem to have!)
Oh, yeah. I also made my appointment today to get an IUD put in. I will be having that procedure done on Monday at 4:30.
So to summarize:
- pumped at 1 AM, 5 AM, 10:30 AM, 3:00 PM, 5:30 PM, 9:00 PM, and 11:00 PM (only seven times today. Oops. Gonna have to work on that.)
- Took More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue 1 cap each 4 times daily.
- Drank Mother’s Milk Tea (2 cups) this morning.
- Was able to get small amounts of colostrum! Much more than the previous days of pumping.
01.29.09
Getting Pumped
Today was the first day of pumping at work. Can’t say it was fun, but at least I managed to do it. Well, mostly. I was so nervous that I’d get interrupted that I was constantly looking over my shoulder. I did, however, manage to do some work while I pumped. Of course, I don’t think I got a single drop all day. Probably because I was so distracted.
I really hope it will get easier. I’m not sure why I was so worried. I mean, most people at work already know what’s going on, and I put a sign on my door saying “Please Do Not Disturb.” I even put up a curtain between my office and the one next to mine (we are connected by a doorway). And I was working on a sound recording, so if someone who didn’t know what was going on asked, I could have said the sign was so no one interrupted my sound recording.
I have had a lot of support coming from people all around me (I cannot say how much having N’s support has meant to me!). I guess I didn’t quite expect that. I kept thinking people would tell me I was crazy for even trying. And sometimes I wonder if I am. But I really do want to try, and pray that God will give me strength through this. I know it will be tough, but I’m hoping it will be worth it in the end.
So to keep track of what I did today:
- Pumped at 1 AM, 5 AM, 8 AM, 11 AM, 2 PM, 5 PM, 7 PM, and 10 PM. That’s 8 times in 24 hours.
- Took More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue, 1 cap each, 4 times.
- Drank 4 cups of Mother’s Milk Tea.
I still haven’t gotten anything more than a drop or two, and those drops don’t even drip off the nipple and into the pump. I know I need to be patient, but it’s SO hard. I know it’s only been a couple of days, and without the domperidone it may take a little extra time to get things to progress. I just know that as soon as I start getting some significant drops (and more consistent) it will be easier to be optimistic. In the mean time, I’ll continue to pray, and ask for yours.
01.27.09
Keeping track
My LC told me she wants me to write down everything I do (regarding lactation), since I’ll be her first client who has induced lactation (IL) without domperidone or reglan. I told her I already have been journaling the surrogacy, so I figure why not keep track of the IL progress here too? So here goes…
Yesterday was my last day of BCP. Since I take mine at night, I figured it would be good to wait until evening to start pumping. Especially since this meant I would not have to be at work when first figuring out this whole pumping thing. However, I did take More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue this morning, and at lunch (though I realize now I need to take it about 20 minutes before lunch in order to follow the instructions of not drinking much for 20 minutes following). I got home about 4:00 and started pumping around 4:30. Nothing much was happening, but I didn’t get disappointed, as I didn’t really expect anything on the first day (or even the first few days, to be honest). However, as I finished my second round of 7 minutes (the protocol says to pump 5-7 minutes, massage breasts, then pump 5-7 more minutes) I noticed there was a drop of liquid on the right nipple (sorry if TMI)! I was super excited.
I almost forgot about my third dose of herbs, but managed to remember around 6:00. After eating dinner N and I were watching TV (on our brand new 65″, installed today!). Around 7:30 I got out the pump and started pumping while we watched. To my utter amazement I didn’t just get a single drop, I got several!!! From each breast (though still more on the right)!!! I cannot believe I actually got something so soon. I hope this bodes well and means it won’t be long before I’m getting actual sprays of milk. I always suspected I’d be a natural at breast feeding. Perhaps I am right!
I will continue to pray, as I know this is totally in God’s hands. I prayed in the doctor’s office that I would be given a chance to try, and no matter the outcome, I prayed for peace about it. He answered that prayer. I know He has a plan for me, and I pray that I will be able to nourish my babies once they are born.
Wish me luck tomorrow! My first day pumping at work… Yikes!
12.23.08
On the mend
Whew! Recovery is HARD. I’m in mucho pain, but it is getting better. The chest tube and several other wires and tubes have been removed, so at least it’s a little easier to get around. I did end up in ICU, but only because they had no available beds on the regular cardiac floor. However, I’ve just been moved to a regular room. This one is MUCh more spacious, which is a good thing for Nathan and Mom (we were pretty cramped in that ICU room today). There’s even a mini fridge in here!
I expect I’ll be getting out tomorrow. The only thing that might prevent that would be if I get a fever or don’t work on my breathing. Believe me, I’ll be working on my breathing!
LD had her OB appointment and the babies are doing great. We have new pictures, but I can’t get them uploaded right now. Our next appointment is going to be January 19th, which is PERFECT, because it’s a holiday for me and I won’t have to miss school for it! Dr. K even said it would be likely to be able to see the sex of the babies at that appointment. We’re still on the fence about finding out, but it will probably end up being a game-time decision as frequently as we change our minds.
Oh, and LD talked with Dr. K again about delivering naturally and not having an epidural in place even for “just in case.” He was hesitant, of course, but he is going to let us try! I’m so happy about that! Obviously if something is wrong, we’ll reevaluate, but she’s such a pro at labor and delivery I don’t expect there to be a problem so long as Baby A is head down (so prayers about that will be appreciated ).
Well, I’m getting pretty worn out and will probably doze some more (I’ve been doing a lot of that the last two days). Thanks for all of the prayers! They really work!
