11.09.08
Pictures!
Okay, I know they don’t look like much. Pretty much just a little bean. And a still photo doesn’t nearly do the experience justice. Because, honestly, it was the flickering movement of a heartbeat that was the most powerful… We don’t have any pictures of both of them together because the angle just wasn’t good. But here is a composite N made for my computer background. I love it!
10.30.08
Welcome to Parenthood!
Well, apparently LD is trying to give me a taste of the years to come. The highs and lows of parenthood, so to speak…
Around 1:45 this afternoon my cell phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I had a class in the library at the time, but my traveling librarian was there today, so I was able to discretely slip away to answer it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it in time, but I did see that it was LD. Which freaked me out. Why in the world would LD call me in the middle of the day unless there was something wrong?! I immediately called her back, but got voice mail. I left a message saying I hadn’t gotten to my phone in time, but to call me back and I’d have my phone in my hand. My mind whirled, thinking what could possibly be wrong (notice it never even crossed my mind that it could be something completely innocent). Not long after the phone vibrated again. It was LD. She said she was having a lot of cramping and “twinges” in her cervix (I couldn’t even tell you what my cervix feels like!). She wanted to know if it was okay to go in to her previous OB (she’d decided to change OBs for this journey, but her old one works in the hospital where she was already for clinicals). I told her yes, of course (as had N when she called him). I immediately went to one of my coworkers just so I could share the burden. As soon as the words were out of my mouth she put her arms around me. Of course, that set me to bawling.
So for the next hour I was a mess. I could get nothing at all done. So I called N. He was amazingly calm. But I know he was nervous too. While I was talking to him my cell vibrated again. It was LD! I couldn’t answer the phone fast enough (sorry N!). The first words out of LD’s mouth were “Everything’s okay.” And the mental breath I’d been holding finally released! She said that the OB had told her that the cramping was just her uterus expanding and that the cervix twinges was just added pressure from TWO yolk sacs! 
LD asked him why she hadn’t felt this with her previous surrogacy (she had originally been pregnant with twins, but one “vanished” around 9 weeks). He said that with that pregnancy one of the embryos wasn’t as healthy, but with this one they are both very healthy! 
So the emotions I’ve felt today include worry, panic, desperation, shock, fear, ecstatic, numb, giddy, proud… And a whole bunch of ‘em I can’t find names for! Welcome to Parenthood, huh? 
Cruel Torture
Waiting… It has to be the worst kind of torture known to man. Knowing something is coming and not being able to do anything to speed up (or in some cases, slow down) it’s impending arrival. There’s a lot of waiting in life. Waiting to be able to crawl, walk, talk, etc. at least is a faded memory. Waiting for that boy to call, or waiting to find out how you did on that final exam are easier to bear now that they are over. And truthfully, once the waiting is over we often wonder what the fuss was all about. But when you’re smack-dab in the middle of the waiting, it’s pure torture. Waiting for surgery, waiting for a special event, waiting for vacation… All torturous.
Right now, I’m in the limbo of waiting for more than one event. And it may just be what takes me over the edge of sanity (since I was barely hanging on already!).
November 7th… Eight days away… Awaiting the day that we get to find out how many embryos decided to stick around. Anticipating the possibility of seeing the heart(s) beat. Longing for the day to arrive when we have more proof that we will be parents and our dream is coming true.
November 10th (says the scheduler, though I have my doubts)… Eleven days away… Awaiting the surgery that will (hopefully) bring some of my energy back. Anticipating the awful sinking feeling of going under anesthesia. Dreading the day that the pain of being sliced open will return and hoping it will be no more than a single incision. Praying that this will be the last one for quite awhile.
Lots of waiting going on these days. It’s hard to live in the moment when such big events are looming on the horizon. I have to force myself to sit down and remember what it is I need to do each day. My mind wanders and I find myself getting next to nothing done. I’ve decided to try to keep myself busy. Tonight we plan to go to dinner with my MIL and BIL. Tomorrow I plan to begin a new sewing project. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. Beyond that, I’ll just have to wait and see…
10.14.08
First Picture
Here are “Thing One” and “Thing Two” (or any of the other nicknames we came up with today!). Please pray that they (or at least one of them) stick around for the next 8.5 months.
