02.27.09
“Brave”
People have told me on more than one occasion that I am “brave.” But I’m not. I’m just a decent actress in public, I guess. Because behind closed doors I cry and wale and sometimes even throw things. I hate what I am going through. I hate that I have no choice. And I hate that there’s nothing I can do to change it. I’m not brave. I’m just unlucky.
Today I had the IUD removed. I decided not to get a replacement. I just don’t have faith in my body to let it work. I mean, look at my track record… I had to try 6 different birth control options (pills, ring, shots) before I found one that didn’t give me migraines. I had to have 4 different lead revision surgeries (so far) to get my ICD leads to stay put (not to mention the previous ICD I’d had to have removed due to infection). I had “corrective” surgery when I was 20, only to find out 4 years later that doing so caused more stress on my left ventricle than leaving it alone would have. Looking at my history, I should have known it couldn’t be this easy. Honestly, I don’t know how my ovaries managed to cooperate the first time for the egg harvest!
So I’ve spent the better part of this afternoon in tears. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do. On the one hand, I’m not supposed to risk getting pregnant. On the other hand, I can’t seem to find a reliable option for preventing that from happening. For now we’ll use condoms and “rhythm” method. Until I can figure out what to do. I may talk to my LC to find out if she has a suggestion that won’t interfere with lactation. (Though I’m trying very hard not to be discouraged about that, too.) My GYN said I should get my tubes tied next time I have to go in for surgery. Why we couldn’t have done this one of the THREE times I had surgery just recently, I don’t know (well, I do. We didn’t think of it.). I’m really hoping I won’t be having another surgery for at least 3 years (which hopefully will just be a generator change and not anything due to problems). Of course, that’s probably too much to ask. I haven’t gone that long between surgeries since 1997.
02.25.09
Success!
Yesterday I finally saw some results! I got a grand total of 3 oz for the day!!!
Then today I saw a post about a surro that is pumping for her IP’s kid and got 90 oz in a 36 hour period! 
Needless to say, that kinda burst my bubble a little. Though N reminds me that I’m doing this completely without the extra “hormones” that go along with being pregnant, nor am I taking any herbal supplements, so I’m lucky to be getting what I’m getting. But it’s still disheartening to be so far from being able to completely feed ONE baby, let alone two.
I truly believe that the reason I saw the increase is because I’ve gone back to pumping at night, and I’ve been trying to pump more often during the day when I can. Today I was able to get in 9 sessions. I can’t get that many every day, but I have managed to do at least 8 a day. I really need to contact the LC and ask about a car adapter for the pump so that I can pump on the road to and from doctor appointments or trips to OK. Those two things seem to interfere with my pumping schedule the most.
Speaking of doctor appointments, I’m a bit concerned about Friday’s. I got the bill today from the initial IUD insertion… Insurance did not cover it. So that was $800 for absolutely nothing. 
And yes, the company has said they will cover a replacement, but does that include the doctor’s fee for putting it in? If not, I don’t think I can afford it. And I’m really, really pissed at my doctor’s office for not saying beforehand that it was likely insurance would not cover a “contraceptive device.” I was only told that AFTER the procedure and when I was at the register to pay. A little late for that information. If I’d been told about the possibility, I would have called my insurance ahead of time to see if it was covered. And when I found out it was not, I would have NOT gotten the darn thing. As it is, I’m debating the wisdom of getting a replacement. I wonder if the company would just refund me the money I spent on the first one, rather than replacing it. Because honestly, I’m leaning towards not wanting it at all. It was extremely painful to put in, then I had a 14 day period, and now, after only one week of no bleeding, I’m bleeding again (though thankfully not nearly as heavy as the last time). It’s just not fair. 
I will be calling in the morning (they closed 5 minutes before I attempted to call this afternoon) to find out what, if anything, I will be expected to pay after Friday’s visit. I know I have to have this one removed, but I sure don’t want another if I’ll have to pay for it to be put in!
By the way, tomorrow we’re 22 weeks. Part of me can’t believe we’re so far along, and part of me can’t believe how much longer we have to wait. 
I can’t wait for our u/s one week from today!
02.21.09
Upping the ante
I haven’t posted much lately because I seem to have stalled out on the milk production and it’s a bit disappointing to post the same number every day. I don’t know if this plateau is because I stopped taking the herbs (as per the doc’s orders), or if I would have plateaued anyway. I feel like it may be the herbs. And I’m half tempted to start them up again, since we don’t know for sure if they caused the PVCs anyway. But first I have another option to try.
This weekend I’m “upping the ante” so to speak. Instead of pumping 7 times in a day, I’ve managed to pump 9 times already, and will pump once more before going to bed. I don’t think I’ll have any more than yesterday (at least, not based on what I see so far), but I’m hoping it will tell my body “Hey, we need more! Make it faster!!” I’m going to attempt to do the same tomorrow. Unfortunately, I can’t do that on week days, but I’m hoping it will help anyway. We shall see. And if it doesn’t, at least I know I tried. And then I can try going back on the herbs.
This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster so far. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say, there are times when this whole expecting babies thing is not fun. Hopefully the HAVING the babies part will be much better. Or at least, I’ll be too tired to care.
02.20.09
If it’s not one thing…
it’s another.
Monday I went to my GYN and all seemed well. I had stopped (or for the most part stopped) bleeding and the IUD looked to still be in place. She had no explanation for the PVCs, so she suggested stopping the herbs, in case they were the cause. She was amazed at the quantity of milk I’m already making and thinks it’s reasonable to assume I will be okay without the herbs. So far my PVCs seem to have slowed down (but get a bit worse in the evening) and my milk production has plateaued. It hasn’t gone up, but at least it hasn’t gone down either. Not sure if it is because I stopped the herbs or if it’s just a coincidence.
She wanted to have me come in for a sonogram to check the IUD placement and I set that up for Thursday. Yesterday. That’s when the bomb fell. The IUD had slipped out of position. My body is trying to expel it! So it needs to be removed. But she didn’t want to do that until she talked to the manufacturer to see if they would pay for a replacement. I found out this afternoon that they will, so I’ve been scheduled to get this one removed and the new one put in on Friday afternoon at 4:45. Please pray for me at that time. Because the first time was horrible, but at least I didn’t know what was to come. This time I do. And I’m afraid it may make it worse!
I really wish my body would just be semi-normal. What should have been an easy fix to the “don’t get pregnant” dilemma, has turned into a nightmare. (or at least a very bad dream) I’m always trying to find the lesson I’m supposed to learn or the purpose behind the events of my life. At the moment, I’m having a hard time finding one. I know it’s there… But it may take a bit to find it.
02.14.09
“Let down” and other things
No, no one let me down. I’m referring to the phenomenon of a woman’s milk “letting down” in order for it to flow more freely. From what I read, people feel a sort of “swoosh” when this happens… I’ve never felt it. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have much TO “swoosh” or if I’m just weird. Either way, I’m disappointed that I don’t feel it. Maybe I will eventually. At any rate, I’m continuing to get a little more milk each day. Yesterday I got 2.75 oz. So far I seem to get about .25 oz more a day, even if I don’t get all of my pump sessions in. Makes me wonder if I should add the night pump back in. I’m glad I’ve had a steady increase, as it has helped keep me encouraged to continue.
As for the heart stuff… My blood came back completely normal. No anemia. So now I have NO clue what could be causing the PVCs. The NP had me increase my torpol from 75 mg once a day to 50 mg twice a day. I haven’t had any issues today, but I haven’t really done anything either. The true test will be if/when I get out and about. I doubt that will happen today. N and I decided that we’d stay home all day so we don’t have to face the crowds of Valentine’s Day.
Speaking of, N outdid himself today (yet again). He went to the grocery store yesterday and bought food for the whole day. He made breakfast, and put dinner in the slow cooker (Sketti sauce… my favorite!). He had me make lunch, but it was the least I could do. Also, this morning he had a card and gift for me. The card was a funny one (as always) about how we’re so comfortable together we can “whiz with the door open.” And then I opened the gift bag… A box of Crayolas. I smiled and said thank you. He said “Open the box.” Inside (along with the crayons) was a charm for a necklace. My smile grew even wider. It’s the shape of a box of crayons! How perfect?! LOL. I feel like a doofus, though. I had thought we were going to get recliners for each other for Valentine’s, so I didn’t even get him so much as a card. I’m a horrible wife.
I have to say this: Over the last couple of months I’ve fallen in love with my husband all over again. He has been my biggest support and has surprised me with his understanding and encouragement along the way. At times when I annoy even myself, he’s held steady. When we have conversations about the babies and what is to come, he is confident and yet understanding of my own fears. He and I seem to be so much more on the same wavelength when it comes to parenting then I ever could have hoped. My husband is going to be a GREAT dad. I have zero doubt in my mind. There may be times when I doubt my own abilities, but my confidence in him has never wavered. With him, I can do this. And I’ve got the best possible partner by my side as we enter this new chapter of our lives. I can’t wait!
BTW- We have our level 2 sonogram scheduled for March 4th. I’m so excited!!!
02.12.09
Oops I did it again…
No, I didn’t eat a pint of ice cream. But I did miss my 3 PM pump session again.
I ended up having to go to see my EP at that time. I’ve been feeling somewhat lightheaded and fatigued for a few days now, but today I added feeling a LOT of PVCs (irregular heart rhythm) and shortness of breath. I couldn’t figure out which of my doctors I should call, since I was pretty sure it was being caused by either the IUD or the herbal supplements, but it was effecting my heart… I finally decided to call the EP, since they’d be able to check my ICD and tell me exactly what had been happening (if not why). Sure enough, just as I’d suspected, I’d been getting a lot more PVCs than usual. I saw the NP and he kept talking about the herbal supplements and how no one knows if it can cause palpitations. I reminded him that after getting the IUD put in I’d been bleeding heavily for two weeks now and wondered if I could be anemic. He was very wishy-washy, but finally decided to write orders for me to have my blood drawn. While he was at it, I asked if I could also have my INR checked, as I’ve been calling for more supplies for TWO MONTHS now and still haven’t gotten them. He wrote STAT on the orders, but I still won’t find out the results until tomorrow.
I also called my GYN office and left a message for the nurse briefly saying what had been going on and that I was going for blood work to see if I am anemic. The nurse called back, but I didn’t get to my phone on time, and it was after office hours so I couldn’t call her back. She left a message and said that I should call in the morning (after 9:15) and if I really thought I was anemic I should take iron pills. I actually got some yesterday and started taking them, so I’m good to go on that front.
N is very upset with the NP. He thinks he’s under reacting and should have sent me to the ER so we could have the results faster. He also thinks that my red blood cell count will be so low that they’ll want to either give me a nupagen (sp?) shot or a blood transfusion. I think N’s over reacting, but he says that if I’m short of breath, that’s not good. I agree, but I also know I notice symptoms way before most people, so I think I’m still in the “safe” zone. Hopefully I can just keep taking the iron pills and be good. If this stupid period would stop I’m sure I’d feel much better!
As if all of that wasn’t enough, I also found out this week that having me on N’s insurance is a complete waste of money. I use his as a secondary to pick up what my insurance doesn’t cover. At least, that’s the way it is supposed to work (and I swear it used to!). But apparently that is not the case now. Instead of paying for the 20% my insurance did not pay for, they applied it to “co-insurance” because they seem to have a “No Duplication Plan.” They say they won’t pay for anything until I meet maximum out of pocket. But if that’s the case, they’ll never end up paying anything at all. By the time I meet out of pocket for THEM, I’ll have met the out of pocket for MY insurance and they’ll be paying 100%. So as secondary, they get off scott free and get to collect my premiums as well! It’s just not right. So N and I have been discussing various options. Because it’s not like we can just drop me from his insurance. Oh, no. That can’t be done until “open enrollment” in October unless there’s a “change of status.” So we’re considering having N change HIS status. If he goes to PRN at work he no longer gets benefits. Which would be a change of status (and drop us both from his insurance) and I should be able to get him onto my insurance. At first we weren’t sure if that would be a good option, since it’s so expensive to put him on mine. But he would make more money as PRN (if he works the same number of hours he works now), so that would make up for it. Of course, we don’t know yet what it will cost when (if) I switch to part time (job share), so I’m going to try calling tomorrow to find out. If it still works out well, I think we’ll be going with this plan. Why, oh why, does insurance have to be such a headache?!?!
02.10.09
Whoops.
I just ate a pint of ice cream. Oops. Not exactly tops on the road to healthy-ville.
Also, I completely missed my 3 PM pump session. I had some teachers who came to ask me questions and I didn’t finish with them until 4. By then it was time to head for home and as soon as I got there we had to take the dogs to the vet. So I went from 11 AM to 5:30 PM without pumping. My breasts were not real happy. Again, not painful so much as uncomfortable. I thought maybe it would mean I’d get more in that, but it didn’t look like it. However, I do not think that the total for the day will be much different from yesterday. I have one more pump session left (10 PM) and I’ve already got 1.75 oz. I am pretty sure I’ll have .25-.5 oz more after that.
I did not pump in the middle of the night. I thought maybe I’d do it if I woke up and thought about it. I did wake up, and I thought about it. But I was too tired to actually do it. I let the dogs out, then feel asleep on the couch until they woke me up again to let them in. If I could pump laying down, I’d be all over that! LOL
I’ve also noticed that for awhile now it hasn’t been really necessary to use the lanolin ointment as much. I guess my nipples are getting used to this rough treatment.
Someone asked me today how I manage to pump at work. Well, fortunately I have a relatively private office with a lock on the door. There is a doorway between my office and the one next to mine. So I put up a curtain for some more privacy. I pump as soon as I get to work (well before school starts, and before I am required to be at school), at lunch (I no longer eat in the lounge, I eat at my desk), and after school lets out. Most of the time, it works great.
Yesterday coworker (who knows what I’m doing behind closed doors) warned me that two other teachers were asking her “What’s up with that curtain she put up in her office?” That coworker told them “You’d have to ask her about that.” Well, today one of them stopped me just as I was about to close my door (with the “do not disturb” sign on it) to go pump. She asked “So what’s the curtain for?” My reply: “It’s for privacy.” I could see she really wanted to say something else. She opened her mouth, then shut it again. It’s not that I necessarily feel like hiding what I’m doing, but there were students standing right near us, and frankly it’s none of her business…
And the recap:
- Pumped 6 times (5 AM, 7 AM, 11 AM, 5:30 PM, 8 PM, 10 PM)
- Took More Milk Plus and Goat’s Rue 3 times (I forgot to bring my lunch time dose to work).
- Ate Oatmeal.
- Drank 2 cups of Mother’s Milk tea.
02.09.09
Interesting Realizations
Okay, so I’ve figured out two things…
First involves the IUD I had put in one week ago. In the brochure it says that it works by preventing implantation, or something like that. But that’s a total lie. No, I believe the IUD works like this: It keeps you bleeding so long and so profusely you’ll never even THINK about having sex again… That’s how it’s 99.4% effective.
The second is about the inducing lactation. I’ve realized that I will probably have to go back to waking up in the middle of the night to pump. This morning when I woke up my breasts were sore. Not unbearably painful, but uncomfortable for sure. I don’t think I was engorged or anything. I don’t make enough for that. But I’ve noticed that I get a little more sore the longer I go without pumping. I guess this is a good thing. Things continue to go well. Each day I seem to get a little bit more. I’m so excited that this is going so well. I just hope I’m not too exhausted by the time the babies arrive.
Oh, wait. I think I came up with one more thing I realized… Registering is hard. N and I went to Babies R Us today to try and get a start on our registry, and I think we put about 10 items on it. We couldn’t decide on anything. Well, we were okay on some of the small things. But when we start thinking about the big stuff, we just can’t seem to settle on anything. Not too surprising, considering the fact that it took us over a year and a half before we finally got the TV we’d been talking about getting… Blah.
Time to pump and head for bed.
02.08.09
Friday/Saturday/Sunday
Who would have thought that the weekend would be more difficult to fit in all of my pumpings than the week days? But apparently it’s true! Friday I managed 7, but barely. Saturday I only got in 6, and that was thanks to the dogs waking me at 5:30 to let them out. I went ahead and pumped before going back to sleep. Today I’ve gotten 3 so far. I doubt I’ll fit 4 more in before the end of the day. Six is probably doable, though.
I guess the main reason it’s so much harder is because I’m not in a routine on those days. On week days I’m in exactly two locations. My house, or work. But on weekends that isn’t the case. I may be home all day, but I’m just as likely to be out and about. Like yesterday, I went up to Oklahoma to see LD and her family. I had to pump right before I left, then again as soon as I got there. I managed to pump three times while there, then had to make the three hour trip back again. I didn’t actually pump the sixth time until after midnight (so maybe that one should count for today? ). Today I had errands to run. I had to pick up dog food, get gas in my car, and go to the grocery store. But I also wanted to go to Babies R Us and look at some things. So, in order to accommodate my errands and pumping, I came back to the house in between errands. Fortunately I haven’t been going very far from my house for these errands, but still…
Speaking of those errands, I mentioned that I went to Babies R Us today. I actually left without the stuff I’d intended to get (oops), and instead got distracted by all the “stuff.” I started off looking at the little girl clothes. I thought maybe it could help me get happy again if I actually bought something for the babies. You know, help me feel more involved. But there were too many cute things! I couldn’t decide. So I got nothing. I also looked at cribs and think I figured out which one I’d like (if we go with one from BRU). Then I looked at the dressers that come with it. I didn’t like them. They all have knobs. I think it would be better to have ones without knobs so the little ones won’t be as tempted to pull drawers open and shut. I then moved on to the strollers. They actually had the snap and go that I had been thinking about so I was able to look at how flat it folds and get a better idea of how big it is. I also looked at bedding, blankets, pack’n'plays, and a bunch of other stuff. I finally left thinking I’m going to need to get N to come with me one evening this week so we can do some serious registering. 
02.06.09
Feeling crazy
This will have to be quick, as I need to head off for work.
- Pumped 7 times: 5 AM, 8 AM, 10:30 AM, 3 PM, 5 PM, 8 PM, 10 PM
- Got a total of 1.25 oz.
- Ate a little bit of whole oat cereal (didn’t finish because the chunks were all gone and it was just crumbs).
- Drank one cup of Mother’s Milk Tea (I found one last tea bag, and I’ve ordered some more. Should be here tomorrow).
- Took More Milk Plus and Goat’s rue 1 capsule each, 4 times.
One last thing. Yesterday, out of no where I got very sad and couldn’t stop crying. I have no clue why or what could have triggered it. I happened to talk to my sister (she called) and she suggested that maybe the lactating is releasing hormones similar to postpartum depression. I guess that’s a possibility. But of all the experiences I wish I could have in regards to this pregnancy, that is not one of them! Hopefully today will be better (though this morning does not indicate it will be).
