10.31.08
Let the awkwardness begin!
So today I got my first taste of the awkwardness that is to come. You see, while I’m not in any way, shape, or form ashamed of how we are going about “getting” our kids, I don’t exactly feel an overwhelming desire to go into a full blown explanation with every stranger I meet (though I admit I occasionally do). Today I was in the teacher’s lounge for lunch and I said something to the teacher sitting next to me (who knows all about the surrogacy and knew we were pregnant) that we found out we were having twins. She was excited, squealed, and hugged me. Which brought us some attention. Another coworker in the room asked “What’s going on?” And she announced to the whole room “She’s having twins!”
Now, in no way do I have a problem with this. Everyone would find out eventually, anyway. But this is where the awkwardness began. There were two subs in the room as well. Obviously, they are not aware of our situation. Everyone else in the room knew, so no questions were asked. One of the subs said “Do twins run in your family?” I simply replied “No. It was a fertility thing.” (or something like that). A little later some people were asking our VERY pregnant coworker if she thought she’d be working right up to her due date. As she talked about how tired she’d been getting I teased “Oh, I’m sure I’ll be able to work right up to our due date!” She laughed and said “Oh, hush!” I wonder what went through the subs’ minds. 
Later, I was passing one of the subs in the hallway. She asked, “So how far along are you? Must not be very far” and she looked at my stomach. I just said “Only 5 weeks, so it’s still early.” Wonder what she’s going to think later in the year when she comes to our school and I’m still not showing!
Now, with strangers, that’s one thing. I don’t really care if they know, I just don’t feel the need to explain every time. But the REAL awkwardness has started to crop up with the students. They’ve heard us teachers talking… And they have heard the word “baby” come up more than once. And they’re starting to ask questions. “Is Mrs. H pregnant?” Of course, no one can really figure out exactly what to say to this question, so they answer “No” (technically, the truth). Which, of course, gets some confused looks from the kids. I’ve managed to side step the question a few times, but I know I won’t be able to for long.
I don’t really have a problem with telling the kids, except for their parents. I don’t want their parents to get upset with me, you know? And I feel like I should talk with my principal before I say anything to any students, just in case. That is IF I say anything to them at all. My mom says I should just say I’m adopting. But that doesn’t feel right either. I don’t want to lie. My aide said I should write a book and read it to the kids, since they’re used to me reading to them anyway. And I might consider that. But again, how do I do it in such a way as to answer their questions, but not upset parents? I have Kindergarden through Fifth grade. I doubt I’ll have to say anything to the younger kids, but the Fifth graders are already asking… This is certainly something I’m going to have to figure out!
10.30.08
Welcome to Parenthood!
Well, apparently LD is trying to give me a taste of the years to come. The highs and lows of parenthood, so to speak…
Around 1:45 this afternoon my cell phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I had a class in the library at the time, but my traveling librarian was there today, so I was able to discretely slip away to answer it. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it in time, but I did see that it was LD. Which freaked me out. Why in the world would LD call me in the middle of the day unless there was something wrong?! I immediately called her back, but got voice mail. I left a message saying I hadn’t gotten to my phone in time, but to call me back and I’d have my phone in my hand. My mind whirled, thinking what could possibly be wrong (notice it never even crossed my mind that it could be something completely innocent). Not long after the phone vibrated again. It was LD. She said she was having a lot of cramping and “twinges” in her cervix (I couldn’t even tell you what my cervix feels like!). She wanted to know if it was okay to go in to her previous OB (she’d decided to change OBs for this journey, but her old one works in the hospital where she was already for clinicals). I told her yes, of course (as had N when she called him). I immediately went to one of my coworkers just so I could share the burden. As soon as the words were out of my mouth she put her arms around me. Of course, that set me to bawling.
So for the next hour I was a mess. I could get nothing at all done. So I called N. He was amazingly calm. But I know he was nervous too. While I was talking to him my cell vibrated again. It was LD! I couldn’t answer the phone fast enough (sorry N!). The first words out of LD’s mouth were “Everything’s okay.” And the mental breath I’d been holding finally released! She said that the OB had told her that the cramping was just her uterus expanding and that the cervix twinges was just added pressure from TWO yolk sacs! 
LD asked him why she hadn’t felt this with her previous surrogacy (she had originally been pregnant with twins, but one “vanished” around 9 weeks). He said that with that pregnancy one of the embryos wasn’t as healthy, but with this one they are both very healthy! 
So the emotions I’ve felt today include worry, panic, desperation, shock, fear, ecstatic, numb, giddy, proud… And a whole bunch of ‘em I can’t find names for! Welcome to Parenthood, huh?
Cruel Torture
Waiting… It has to be the worst kind of torture known to man. Knowing something is coming and not being able to do anything to speed up (or in some cases, slow down) it’s impending arrival. There’s a lot of waiting in life. Waiting to be able to crawl, walk, talk, etc. at least is a faded memory. Waiting for that boy to call, or waiting to find out how you did on that final exam are easier to bear now that they are over. And truthfully, once the waiting is over we often wonder what the fuss was all about. But when you’re smack-dab in the middle of the waiting, it’s pure torture. Waiting for surgery, waiting for a special event, waiting for vacation… All torturous.
Right now, I’m in the limbo of waiting for more than one event. And it may just be what takes me over the edge of sanity (since I was barely hanging on already!).
November 7th… Eight days away… Awaiting the day that we get to find out how many embryos decided to stick around. Anticipating the possibility of seeing the heart(s) beat. Longing for the day to arrive when we have more proof that we will be parents and our dream is coming true.
November 10th (says the scheduler, though I have my doubts)… Eleven days away… Awaiting the surgery that will (hopefully) bring some of my energy back. Anticipating the awful sinking feeling of going under anesthesia. Dreading the day that the pain of being sliced open will return and hoping it will be no more than a single incision. Praying that this will be the last one for quite awhile.
Lots of waiting going on these days. It’s hard to live in the moment when such big events are looming on the horizon. I have to force myself to sit down and remember what it is I need to do each day. My mind wanders and I find myself getting next to nothing done. I’ve decided to try to keep myself busy. Tonight we plan to go to dinner with my MIL and BIL. Tomorrow I plan to begin a new sewing project. Hopefully that will get me through the weekend. Beyond that, I’ll just have to wait and see…
10.27.08
Today’s update
The third beta results are in and they are……… 1334!!! 
There is no doubt in my mind that we’ve got two little beans growing in there.
Now we have to wait until 11/7 (11 days, but who’s counting? ) to find out how many there are and (hopefully) see a heart beat. It’s going to be TORTURE to wait! I talked to the nurse at our RE’s office and she said that if we’re doing an u/s at LD’s OB office then we don’t need to do one down here (unless we want to). LD and I kind of want to, but I’m going to discuss it with N. I’m not sure what he’ll think. On the one hand, we’d save money on getting LD a plane ticket to come down. On the other hand, we’d get to see our baby(ies) again. I guess we’ll see what he says and go from there.
Now on the other end of the spectrum, I also found out today that I’m back in limbo about the surgery. I found out this morning that the accreditation for the Children’s guy STILL hasn’t gone through and so they’ve taken me off the schedule for Wednesday. The scheduler said they are aiming for Nov. 6th or 10th now. I told her “If my vote counts at all, I’d prefer the 10th. I have somewhere to be on the 7th.” She said she’d try to work it out. I hope that I won’t have to wait any more than that! This has already been going on for over a month!
10.26.08
Happy Birthday to me!
Today is my birthday. And I must say it’s a happy one. We haven’t done anything in particular, just hanging out together, but that’s enough. N said he couldn’t figure out how to top LD’s gift of a positive pregnancy test (or the Pregnancy book she sent with a note saying “Here’s a book to get you from your birthday to someone else’s!”). But I told him I didn’t need “stuff.” I’m perfectly happy with what I have.
I did get a wonderful surprise from N’s sister, though:
Yesterday we went to lunch and afterwards N suggested (completely surprising me) that we go to Babies R Us and look at baby stuff. We’ve both agreed that we will not be purchasing anything for the baby (or babies) until the end of the first trimester (which conveniently lands on Christmas Day!). But we strolled through both Babies R Us and Toys R Us looking at what today’s babies are being offered. And MAN things are different from when we were kids! I had to laugh as N took down a fancy-schmancy stroller so he could get a look at the pedometer and iPod jack on the handles! LOL I’m not kidding! Another laughable moment was when we walked past the potties. N started wondering if we could change our minds! The idea of potty training two at a time scared him. He came back around, though, when we looked at toys and rocking chairs.
Incidentally, while sitting in a couple of rocking chairs, a salesman came up to us and asked how many we wanted. I said “Oh, we’re just looking for now. We just found out two days ago that we’re expecting.” He said “Congratulations. Have you registered yet?” I told him “No, we figured we’d wait until the end of the first trimester before we do that.” After that he left us to browse on our own. It feels funny to say “we’re expecting” when it’s not me that is pregnant. I almost feel like I’m lying, though I know I’m not. I intentionally have said “we’re pregnant” or “we’re expecting” rather than “I’m pregnant” (since I’m not). I figure, if people want to misinterpret that’s not my fault, is it?
Today N and I had brunch and then went to the grocery store so we could get the fixin’s for his yummy spaghetti sauce! It’s cooking in the slow cooker as I type and it smells SOOO good! I can’t wait for dinner time! This afternoon we’ve played cards and just spent time together. This may be the last birthday that we get to do that, so I certainly can’t complain! It has been a good day.
Tomorrow LD will go in for another beta and we will then set up the appointment for our second u/s. I also hope to find out if I’ll be having my surgery on Wednesday. I’ve already gotten a sub lined up, so I sure hope they won’t be changing it again! 
10.25.08
Smiles and tears
Since everyone we know already knew we were trying to get LD pregnant, we knew it would be impossible to keep it a secret until the end of the first trimester, like most people do. So we didn’t bother. As soon as the tests showed positive on Wednesday night, we were on the phone to family and friends. There were quite a variety of responses.
My mom: “That’s great. Congratulations. Did I tell you about my day?…”
N’s mom: crying. And dancing a jig while calling her sister to spread the news (this was relayed through N’s brother).
N’s brother: N asked if he wanted to be an uncle. Possibly to twins. “Only if I get to take them to Disney World.”
N’s sister: very excited. (don’t know her exact words, since I didn’t talk to her myself)
My brother: “Congratulations.” (he’s not very verbose. )
My sister: “Yea!” (this prompted clapping from her 16 month old) “So when will the baby be due? I want to make sure I can come help.”
My Dad: “This is wonderful news. Forgive me if I hesitate to get too excited yet, but I’m very happy for you.”
N’s Dad: N asked if he wanted to be a grandpa. He said “I guess I could do that.” He also wants to meet up with us after the first u/s, since he’ll be in OK as well.
N’s Grandmother: “Oh! I’m so happy for you!”
My Grandmother: “I decided to go ahead and start working on a green blanket, so if there’s twins it can go for a boy or a girl.” (she’d told me a while back that if we had twins it had to be a boy and a girl, because she has one blue and one pink blanket already made)
My aunt: “Congratulations. So what’s next?”
My other aunt: “You make this look easy.”
N’s aunt: “I’m not old enough to be a great aunt! And my brother isn’t old enough to be a grandpa!”
N’s friend: “You’re going to name the baby after me, right?”
My friend: I don’t know what she said because N stole that phone call from me. :p But I know she was happy. She just had her baby a month ago, so we’re going to get to raise our babies together!
The next day at work I told a lot of my coworkers. Again, I got several responses, but almost all resulted in a hug. I even found out that one of my coworkers is only a few weeks ahead of us! If we have twins, we’ll be due around the same time. I told her “So I get to watch your belly grow and pretend it’s mine, right?”
10.23.08
“Official” beta
Today was the day we were supposed to get our first beta. LD went in this morning and was able to get the results from her friend at the OB’s office before they had even sent it to the RE. So I got a text around 12:40 from LD with just the #: 254! At the same time I also got a text from N saying “Friggin’ overachievers!” I read the wrong one first.
I texted to N “Holy cow!” and he wrote back “Yeah. We’re either having twins, or Andre the Giant.” I told him LD would probably prefer twins.
Later I got a phone call from the nurse at the RE’s office. She said she had heard we cheated and already knew we were pregnant from the HPT (apparently LD spilled that much, but not that she snuck a beta too ). She told me the beta number and then said that the next beta will be on Monday. She said “If the next beta doubles as it should, LD will need to come down for an ultrasound around Nov. 14th or so.” I didn’t bother telling her we already knew they were doubling (and are confident it will continue to do so) and have an u/s set up for Nov. 7th. LD and I talked about it and I think we’re going to try to have the u/s down here on the 21st instead so that there will be two weeks between the first and second. Of course, I’ll be talking to N tonight to get his opinion before I set anything up.
10.22.08
HPTs and betas
Well, I could be torturous and drag this out… I seriously considered it… But I couldn’t figure out the best way… So I guess I’ll just tell you.
When I got home from work (I left a little early so I would be home quicker) I told Nathan “I’m going to go change my pants.” He said “Really? I figured you’d be calling LD as you walked in the door.” After I changed I came in and we got online and texted LD to call us on our home phone, since it has speaker phone. She called, then set the phone down to go pee in a cup. When she got back on the phone we tried to get our video chat working and it kept messing up. We were freaking out. LD put the HPTs (she dipped 3 of them!) face down so that we could all see at the same time. It kept cutting in and out, and it was pretty blurry, but on one of the tests we were very clearly able to see the results.
Once we saw the results we figured we might as well find out the results of the beta she had drawn yesterday… Only she had to leave a message. Then I reminded her that she has a friend who works in the OB office, so she called her friend and got her to look up the beta number.
Are you ready?
Are you sure??
WE’RE PREGNANT!!!! The HPTs all showed clear positives and the beta was 123!!! Nathan and LD are freaking that one split. But I don’t think so. It’s two. That’s all. And that’s scary enough.
Tonight’s the night
Tonight we will POAS to find out if LD is pregnant. She had her blood drawn yesterday, so as soon as we see the results of the HPT she’s going to call and get the beta results. She says she feels pregnant, so she’s just ready to have the tests confirm it.
I don’t guess I realized how much I would be jealous that she is feeling all of these things and can have so much confidence that it worked. I mean, I trust her and I’m confident as well, but I kind of feel numb. It’s like all of the stuff I could do in this process is done and now I’m left to just twiddle my thumbs. Almost anti-climactic, if that makes sense. I know I am going to be going through all kinds of roller coaster feelings the next 8-9 months, so I guess I should get used to it. But for now, I guess I feel somewhat separated from things. And I know that is not anyone’s fault. LD has made sure to tell me all about the things she’s feeling. And I want to know and would be upset if she didn’t tell me. But at the same time it seems to drive home the fact that I’m not feeling them… Does that make sense?
I’m not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or to make anything change. I’m just writing it down to help myself understand why I’m feeling somewhat numb today. Don’t get me wrong, I am excited to find out if we’re pregnant, and I’m already counting down the hours. But all of my emotions are all mixed up and even through the excitement I’m fighting back the tears. I have a feeling this is going to be my “normal” for awhile. 
10.19.08
Missing LD
Okay, I know it’s silly. But here is is two days since I was last able to talk to LD on the computer and I miss her! Actually, I was missing her yesterday too. And on Friday. I like being able to talk to her every day. I HAVE sent her a few text messages, but it’s not quite the same.
Yesterday I saw a woman with a Branson shirt on. So I texted LD “Just saw someone in a Branson shirt. It’s a sign! ” She texted back “It is!” Later I got a text from her that said “I’m not 100 percent, but I think it worked. I feel preggers!” So I emailed her later and asked what it is that she’s feeling to make her “feel preggers.” Her response was “I’m having major hot flashes. I’m also having to pee nonstop (always one of my first signs). I’m sooooooo sleepy. And I had a food aversion today. My nana ordered pork and I thought I was going to be sick. Blah!” As N said yesterday, that’s so exciting and scary at the same time!! We might be parents in less than 9 months! It’s going to be real!
