02.26.08
Whoa!
I just asked N a hypothetical question. I asked him “If you take money out of the equation, what’s the soonest you’d be ‘ready’ to do surrogacy?”
His answer: “If money wasn’t involved? I’d be willing to do it this year.”
WHOA! I did NOT expect that answer. But boy does it have me smiling. 
He asked me if I had something in mind and I told him not exactly, but I had been trying to figure out ways we could get the money together sooner. I also told him about LD’s and my crazy scheming to figure out the “perfect” transfer date of October 7th. He didn’t look opposed! Ack! 
AND he also said something about working extra shifts to help get more money together. I am SO glad I bit the bullet and asked that question. I’m over the moon!
02.25.08
Joyful news
Today another surro baby has entered the world! I cannot wait to hear her parents and SM tell about her birth. I’m feeling the baby pangs even more today than I have in a long time. I’m so happy for N and T. K really is an angel here on Earth.
I actually got to see K, N, and T this weekend. We had thought little A would make her appearance last week, so I made plans with LD to surprise them by driving up to OK. A did not arrive, but we did get to spend two days with the adults, helping to keep their minds off the ticking clock. Next weekend I have plans to go down to Houston to visit my sister and her son, and hope to meet A at that time (that’s where N and T live).
LD and I got to spend all weekend together (from Friday night to Sunday afternoon). I absolutely adore her. We talked about everything we could possibly think of. Our families, our values, our childhood, our husbands, her kids, our pets, our hopes and dreams… We stayed up ’til 2 AM both Friday and Saturday night. It was so great. Everything was so comfortable and we both feel like we are a match… Now we just have to convince N to move everything up so we don’t have to wait so long. 
We’ve been plotting against him all weekend. Hope his ears didn’t burn too badly while I was gone.
We actually talked about LD and her family maybe coming to visit at Spring Break. Turns out my sister also wants to come visit… Actually, she wants to drop off her son and go sleep somewhere else. That sounds good to me! I’ve already been imagining going to the Ft. Worth Zoo with LD and her kids, and pushing W around in a stroller. I would SO love to do that! But N and I do hope to go to San Antonio for at least part of Spring Break, so it may or may not work out. We shall see. It’s not that far away, really. Just three weeks!
02.20.08
Budding friendship
I talked to LD for an hour last night on the phone! I’ll admit, at first I was a little nervous. After all, we’ve only met in person once. But we got very comfortable with each other quickly (I don’t think she was nervous) and talked about all kinds of things. The reason that prompted the call was because she and her IM are having to go their separate ways. They tried 3 times to do an FET, but none of them took. 
So now the RE is telling her IM (who happens to be P from a previous post) that she should try with a different surro. Neither of them WANTS to move on, but they both understand that it apparently just wasn’t to be. It’s very disheartening. Especially with the number of things that keep going wrong for LD this year. I won’t go into it, but I can pretty much equate it to 2004/5 for me!
Anyway, I wanted to call LD and talk to her, just to see how she was doing. But I didn’t know when a good time would be to call, since she does have kids and all… So I emailed her and asked what a good time might be and the next thing I knew the phone was ringing! It was funny, though. I totally wasn’t expecting her to call me, and when the phone rang I thought it would be N saying he would be late at work (his shift had ended about 30 minutes earlier). When it ended up being a woman’s voice on the other end I got nervous, thinking it was a coworker of N’s telling me something had happened to him. How dumb is that??? I’ve never had a phone call like that, and can’t imagine why that popped into my head.
When N got home he and LD started talking to each other through me. Not a full conversation, just throwing insults back and forth. I know N is going to like her! She has offered to carry for us when we are ready. I told her I didn’t want her to wait around for us, since it would be a couple of years before we’ll be heading down that path (unless N completely changes his mind AND we win the lottery). So she said that if something comes along, she’ll take it, but she doesn’t think she’ll go looking. She apparently was talking to her kids about the fact that she wouldn’t be helping P anymore and they asked what she was going to do now. She told them that she had a couple she was thinking about working with, but it might be a while. Her son asked her how many bedrooms we have and she said “They just got a new house, but I think they have three. Why?” He said “Well, they probably sleep in one of them, but that leaves two more. You can have two babies for them!” I told her “Don’t tell him we actually have four bedrooms!”
I really love her to pieces and hope everything works out for us to take this journey together. I wish she didn’t live three hours away, but I think I’m willing to make that drive for her. She and I agree on SO many things. She only wants a natural childbirth, and does not want to be induced (I agree fully!). She believes in breast feeding, but does not feel she has to nurse the baby in the hospital as some surros I’ve come into contact do. She does not believe in selective reduction and she is completely in this to help people become parents, not for the money. And from what I gather from our conversations, her hubby is a gem as well! I can’t wait to meet her whole family someday.
Actually, one of the other TOSS members (K) is due any day now with a surro baby (IM is also on TOSS). K lives about an hour from LD and LD is three hours from me. I tossed the idea of my driving to her and picking her up, then going on to see K and her IM with the baby when she is born. Now we’re just waiting for news that K has given birth and then we’ll decide if we’re really going to do it. I told my sister I might be coming down to see her and W this weekend, but it’s looking like K might be ready before then. If so, I may change my plans with E and go the other direction instead… We haven’t heard from either K or her IM today, so we’re starting to wonder…
I guess I’ve gone on long enough. I’m sure you can tell I’m in much better spirits today. I feel like there may be hope yet…
02.17.08
Up, down, and up again…
As I’ve said before, I tend to go in cycles with my emotions. Generally, if I wait it out, I’ll start feeling better. This time is no different. I’m much more positive about the likelihood of us saving the money we will need for a surrogacy journey.
Today N and I talked about how much of our existing savings we would put into “baby” vs. “fun” accounts. We set the amount, and they are now in separate accounts so it is easy to see how much is in each. N suggested that we split what we save each month by 60/40 (with the 60 going for baby), then when the fun fund reaches a certain amount (we decided that amount already) we’ll start putting a higher percentage into the baby fund (most likely 75/25).
Also, I am looking into moving some money from an AIM fund that my mom set up for me into an ING fund, which is more liquid and promises a higher return. Combine that with what we should be getting back from the government for our tax refund, and we should be looking at a higher number than I was thinking we would reach by the end of the year.
I started doing some math, and realize that it should be possible to save what we need in about two years. That is, if we stop eating out so much and stop putting so much on the credit card. Last month was almost $2,000, which is not usual. Though, looking back at the things we spent the money one, I’m pretty sure it was a fluke month and won’t happen often. At least, I hope. I want to be able to put at least $1,000 back each month. I’m pretty sure it’s possible. I plan to put back money on a certain date each month so it doesn’t end up getting spent.
I wonder, also, if a dream I had last night has anything to do with my change in mood. (Well, that and the sweet words of my friend.) Last night I dreamed that we had a baby boy. We were completely unprepared and had nothing for the baby other than one package of diapers (and those were odd, to say the least). But thinking about the little boy’s face makes me smile, regardless of how unprepared we were. His face was so precious! I wrote to TOSS and told about my dream and stated that perhaps it was telling me that we are not ready to be parents. My friend said maybe it meant we were ready, we just didn’t THINK we were… Not sure about either interpretation, but it makes me feel good that she thinks we really should be parents (she’s said as much several times). I really appreciate how kind she is. She makes me think that maybe we CAN do this.
02.14.08
Breaking point?
Yesterday I broke down and cried harder than I think I have in a long time. I’m just so emotionally spent. Rather than retype it all, I figured I’d just copy the email I sent to TOSS:
“Unfortunately, I think I may just be at that point [of giving up]… N just bought a stinkin’ iPhone today. $400 (plus tax) for the phone and $20 more on our bill each month. Obviously his priorities are WAY different than mine. I said ‘Hope you like your phone. No TV for you now.’ He goes, ‘What? I can still get my TV. I still have $4,000 that’s mine to spend how I want.’ (I assume he’s referring to the $2,000 he got from his grandmother for Christmas and his birthday, each. However, the Christmas one was for BOTH of us…)
Then when we got home (he was setting up his iPhone) I was really quiet. He asked me if I was annoyed with him. I said no because I didn’t want to get into an argument. He kept pressing the issue and so I finally said ‘I didn’t realize I’d be annoyed until you actually went through with it.’ He got all bent out of shape and said ‘What? Every spare dollar we have has to go towards a baby?’ To which I responded, ‘Dollar?!? You just spent $500!’ He said ‘Nuh-uh. It was $400.’ ‘But we now have an extra charge every month too.’ ‘I just paid for that by working extra hours yesterday.’ Grrr! I said something about ‘Great. Then you can work an extra shift every week so we can save for a kid. I don’t have that option. I don’t get bonus pay. There’s nothing more I can do.’ He just rolled his eyes at me. I said ‘You should have just let me keep it at ‘no.” ‘What, and let you stew about it until it explodes at me??’
He just left to go to one of his games. I’m glad he’s out of the house tonight so I don’t have to deal with him. I’m just so frustrated. I keep watching what savings we have slipping from between my fingers and he doesn’t care. At least, it feels that way. This is more stress than I can handle… I’m ready to nix the whole idea just so I can stop being miserable.”
I’m feeling slightly better than I was last night. I had a dear friend say some very kind things that helped me feel better. See, I think partially I was wondering if I really deserve to have this work out and become a mom. I mean, I’m just not sure if it’s what God has planned for me. But my friend made me feel as if maybe He does want this for us. Maybe He’s just trying to get things lined up perfectly. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how things unfold.
