11.30.07
Breast Feeding?
I don’t know why, but for some reason I decided to get on SMO (SurroMomsOnline) and read a few posts. There was one talking about surros breast feeding the child and what people thought of it. Most seemed to indicate they thought it was good, important, yada yada yada… And I agree that breast feeding is the best thing possible for a baby, and the colostrum in the first days is very beneficial. HOWEVER, I cannot stand the thought of another woman breast feeding my baby. The idea physically hurts. Now, if she were to pump, I’d be HAPPY to feed it to the baby (as a matter of fact, it’s something I would like to have happen). But to have my baby actually latch onto her breast makes me feel awful. Not because I think that the SM and baby would have a bond because of it. It’s completely a jealousy thing. I want so badly to do it myself that the thought of someone else getting to is horrifying. I already have to give up carrying the baby. Do I have to give up holding and feeding him/her just after he/she is born too?!
I would absolutely love to induce lactation. I’ve actually lactated a little once in awhile spontaneously, so I figure it might not be that hard to induce. However, I figured that the meds I’m on for my heart would probably cause problems for the baby by being passed through the milk (after all, they can’t be taken while pregnant). I decided to look it up. And I found information saying that very little coumadin (my biggest concern) is passed through the milk to the baby, and what little might will not be harmful. This made me very excited to read. I would love to be able to breast feed my baby if it were remotely possible.
I continued to do a little more research into what it takes to induce. I saw that it is possible to induce through just nipple stimulation (using a pump), but that most people don’t produce enough to meet the baby’s nutritional needs. There are meds that can help with that, though. But the little I read about the meds had me worried that they might interfere with the meds I’m on for my heart… So who knows. I’ve sent an email to a nursing friend of mine who knows quite a bit about lactation to see what she thinks. It’s a start anyway.
Of course, this will also be something I’ll have to talk to N about. After all, we’ve assumed we’d have to use a bottle and I think he may have been looking forward to being able to feed the baby. I’m not sure what his opinion on breast feeding might be, since I never thought it would be a possibility for me. Now that it is, I can’t help getting excited at the possibility. We have quite a bit of time to discuss this later, though, so I don’t think I’ll bring it up now. Heck, I’m not supposed to talk to him about surrogacy until January! I think this might be a bit more than he can handle. 
11.29.07
Interesting conversations
I have had two conversations with two different coworkers this week relating to surrogacy. In the first one I was talking to a 5th grade teacher about the quilt I made for my nephew and the conversation steered around to me wanting kids some day. She knows about my heart, so she asked “Do you plan to adopt some day?” I told her, “Actually, we’re looking at surrogacy.” She seemed very interested and started asking questions. Not once did she say any of the awful remarks many people give regarding surrogacy (ie: “Oh, I could never do that.” or “Aren’t you afraid they’ll want to keep the baby?”). She was very supportive and even said she had considered carrying for her sister back when she was trying unsuccessfully to have kids.
The second conversation was with a teacher who has been struggling with infertility for the last two years. She and I had actually talked at the beginning of the year because she has been using an RE, done IUI twice, and now is going to do IFV in January. Most of the conversations we’ve had were started by me. But today she stopped me and said “I’ve been meaning to ask you what’s going on with your surrogacy.” I told her that I’m just hanging in there until January, when N has said we can “revisit” the subject, but I’m hoping we can try a cycle next summer. We talked about how frustrating it is that we have to plan, save, and pray to have a kid when others can just “see what happens” and how frustrating that is. She said that if they try IVF 3 times and it fails they will move to adoption. She seemed fairly confident that things will work out. She said, “I just want a baby by next Christmas.” She said “And you might too!” I said, “Well, probably not by Christmas, but at least by the end of next school year…
Anyway, I thought it was interesting. I also got to wondering what I would say to coworkers if/when we get a GS pregnant. Obviously other people make an announcement when they discover they are pregnant (or at some point in the pregnancy). Wonder what I’ll do. I’ll probably tell. I tend to be a talker. Nothing’s a secret. We have a baby shower next week for our 3rd pregnant teacher. I wonder if I’ll get to have a baby shower…
11.24.07
Some hope?
Today, as N and I were running errands, I said something about my friend who lives in Prague. I mentioned that she wanted us to come visit this summer, but I may be able to use the excuse of not getting our passports updated in time if need be. N asked if she had changed the date of her wedding to accommodate us and I said that I had mentioned the possibility of coming to visit when it was more convenient for us and when she wouldn’t be busy with wedding plans so we could actually spend time together. That is when N said something that gave me a little bit of hope. He said “Well, if we’re busy making a baby, that might not happen.” So maybe we WILL be working on a surrogacy journey this summer!
Oh, and while we were at the car dealership so he could get his oil changed he was looking at this other car and said it would be a better “family car” than mine. To which I replied, “Hey, a car seat will fit in this back seat! But only one.” He said, “Well, I didn’t think we would have two in car seats at the same time.” “Unless we have twins, which I really don’t want,” I said. “I dunno. Twins could be cool. We could end up with two kids for the price of one!” “But I’m not sure how well I’ll keep up with ONE. Two is just plain scary.” “Yeah, I guess.”
Both of these conversations give me some hope. Less than two months until I’m allowed to approach the subject again. I’m keeping my fingers crossed!
Sewing frustrations
I’m so frustrated with my sewing these days. I didn’t get a chance to work on the place mats on Monday or Tuesday because as soon as I got home from work (it was a late day) we met my MIL and BIL for dinner, after which BIL came home with us to spend the night (he didn’t have school the next day and N didn’t have to work). So of course, when I got home Tuesday we ended up going out to dinner with MIL again to repeat the “exchange.” I spent all day Wednesday working on those place mats. I did take a break to go to the grocery store briefly, and to stuff the turkey. Other than that I worked almost exclusively on sewing. Even once my brother and his wife got here, I continued to sew, with my SIL helping to press seams. I went to bed around midnight, then woke up at 6:15. N had to go to work and I ended up waking up as he was leaving. After I got the turkey in the oven (that was around 8:00) and my brother woke up, I returned to the sewing room to work on the place mats. People were set to arrive at 11, so a little before that I went to get dressed, and returned to work. I didn’t stop working until the doorbell rang. At which point I only had 3 completed place mats and a lot of fronts and backs that were not sewn together… I gave up. I wasn’t going to spend any more effort on a losing battle. 
Today I had the pattern for the turtle quilt I want to make for my nephew printed up so I can get started on it. Unfortunately, I just spent the last hour in the sewing room and have absolutely nothing to show for it. I tried and tried to get that first seam sewn, but I cut the fabric exact instead of giving extra because I was afraid of running out of that fabric. I should have known better. I’ve now decided I’m going to get a different fabric for the brown so I won’t be quite as concerned about how much I cut. Plus, it was a very slippery fabric to work with anyway.
All this to say I’m very frustrated with myself. I’m feeling like I can’t get anything right, sewing wise. I want so badly to be good at it, but fail miserably. At least I do learn from my mistakes. Or at least, I think I do. I still intend to make place mats for my MIL, but I intend to do things a bit differently for hers. And I’ve figured out that I need to feel comfortable with plenty of excess when working on the turtle quilt, or it will just cause a lot of mistakes. Hopefully things will go better tomorrow. I really want to be able to show some of my work off at school next week, but I’m wondering if that’s going to be possible now… We shall see.
11.18.07
Beating hearts
Today started out as a good day. I woke up at 8 and fed the dogs, then went for a walk around the creek. It was still somewhat brisk out, but I managed to work up a sweat. I was very proud of myself for getting that accomplished first thing in the morning. I then came home and got on the computer for a bit while I cooled down. I made myself get up and start cleaning out the fridge (had to move the turkey over from the freezer) and the kitchen. I didn’t do as much as I had hoped to do, but I did a fairly decent job at least. I then went into my sewing room and started cutting fabric for the place mats I am making to go with our new dishes. I want to have them finished by Thursday so we can use them for Thanksgiving.
As I was cutting fabric my heart was doing all kinds of funky things and it felt like there was pressure on my chest. I took my pulse and my best bet was that I was having several PVCs, though not back to back. I considered calling in a reading to Carelink (they can get readings from my ICD over the phone and send them to my doctor), but I thought it was probably nothing and I hate to bother people over nothing. So I didn’t do anything, just kept pushing though and pretending everything was fine.Then I started to get a migraine. Because of the meds I’m on for my heart I cannot take any migraine meds at the onset of a migraine. Just tylenol. My best remedy for a migraine has always been to go to sleep. I didn’t really want to take a nap today, but I also wanted my migraine to go away. Unfortunately, even the nap didn’t help. I still have the migraine (though it is finally easing a little).I didn’t get the place mats finished (I did cut all the fabric at least), and I didn’t vacuum, and I didn’t clean the bathrooms as I had hoped to do today. At least I have all of Wednesday off before people start coming over. I should be able to get the place mats finished (I’ll probably work on them after school Monday and Tuesday as well) as well as getting some more cleaning done. Our house looks better than the old one, so at least there’s some improvement, but I was hoping to actually seem like we didn’t live in constant clutter. Oh, well. Guess I can’t change my spots completely! I will also be doing some cooking on Wednesday, which means I’ll have to clean everything again anyway!
11.10.07
Family friendly
N and I went on a walk in our new neighborhood this morning. We have been living here for a little over a month and really hadn’t seen beyond our front door. We’re not used to the idea of “getting to know the neighbors.” But I hope we will…
Anyway, we started walking and I had remembered seeing what looked like a walking trail when I’d driven around the neighborhood before we put an offer on the house. So we headed that direction, and sure enough there was the trail. It winds around a creek and is beautiful with all of the trees and you can almost forget a big city is mere minutes away. We came to a bridge that crossed to the other side of the creek and could see a roller hockey rink on the other side, so we decided to cross. I said something about “Hey, we could play sticks!” (from Winnie the Pooh, for those of you who don’t know). I had been joking, but N pulled two sticks off of a nearby tree so we could play 
! The creek was flowing VERY slowly, so it took awhile for our sticks to show up on the other side, but it was fun trying to spot them coming out from under the bridge. Moving on, we came out of the cover of the trees to discover that, not only was there a roller hockey rink, but a school, picnic tables, tennis courts, a pool, and a bit further on, even a baseball field. There were kids getting tennis lessons while their parents watched and it was all so serene and lovely. N and I held hands as we explored and laughed about “rabbit squirrels” and decided which direction to go. For a little bit we almost thought we weren’t going to be able to find our way back to our house. But finally, we found our street and arrived back home (45 minutes after we had left). It was such a pleasant morning and I am so glad N went with me.
11.08.07
Still crabby
It’s weird… Most of the day I’m perfectly content and in a fairly good mood. However, when N and I get around each other it seems like everything he does gets on my nerves. Last night I was working on a quilt pattern for my nephew (I’m making a turtle quilt for his Christmas present) and I showed it to N to see what he thought. I guess I just wanted him to tell me it was good and be done with it. But I should realize that he will never, ever say that. He is always looking for ways to “improve” any design (even if it isn’t his). So after I’d already spent an hour working on this design, he tells me “It’s pretty good. But what about…” Then he took my paper and started WRITING ON IT… IN PEN!!! It sent me overboard. I was already a little miffed with him because he got mad at me for something I didn’t realize I’d done and he wouldn’t accept that it was unintentional, so I went off. I don’t remember everything I said, but essentially it boiled down to “I don’t know why I bother doing anything when it’s always wrong. You might as well do it, since you’re always right.” Or something like that. Slowly I calmed down and did see his point about his suggestion, but as I was working on the new design he also started working on one on his computer. I could see out of the corner of my eye what he was doing so I said, “Would you please not do that. This is something I want to accomplish and be able to say ‘I did that.’ But if you do it for me I can’t say that. If you insist on working on it, don’t tell me about yours, just let me be happy with mine.” I tried to say it calmly, and I think he kind of understood. I know he likes to be able to point to something and say “I designed that,” so I figured he’d understand where I was coming from. So he stopped working on it, and I did my best to do my own design. Unfortunately, I got frustrated because I couldn’t figure out how to make it work. Finally he and I started working on solutions together and it ended up okay. We even agreed that we both liked the new design better than the first one I made (the one he criticized).
Later I apologized for the way I’ve been acting lately. He commented that lately we are more like roommates than a married couple. It’s completely true. We lead pretty separate lives lately. About the only thing we do together these days is watch TV. It sounded like he was upset that I make plans to go out with friends when he is at work or out gaming. But it’s not like I make those plans for when he’s home. I make them so that I’m not sitting at home alone. I have wanted for years to “have a life” and finally I sort of have one. I’ve got friends I actually go out with and I go down to Houston to see my family (without him because he works every other weekend and he doesn’t want to go out of town on the weekends he’s off). I’m going to end up having Thanksgiving at our house (long story), but he will be working that day. It’s not my fault he’s working. I would MUCH rather he be here. But he’s all sad now because he won’t be here to have Thanksgiving with all of us. It’s not like I intentionally called up my family and said “Hey, N’s working, come on over and we’ll have fun without him.” It just happened. Though it probably wouldn’t have happened if he was not working that day because we would have been spending the day with his family…
I don’t know if part of my reactions to him are pent up frustration about the “We can revisit the subject in January” conversation we had, or what. I think it probably is. I don’t mind waiting to find a surrogate, but it does annoy me that he can’t even tell me one way or the other if he wants to try to start a journey in 2008 or not. My biological clock is ticking away, even louder than my valve (and that’s pretty darn loud!), but he doesn’t seem to hear it. I can’t help it. God made us desire to reproduce so the species could live on. Who am I to fight it???
11.05.07
Sebastian ain’t got nothin’ on me!
I’ve been incredibly crabby lately. Especially with N. I don’t know what it is, really. I suppose it could be that I hate how content he is with the way things are when I want so badly to be moving towards making changes. It’s not that I’m not happy with the way things are, I just want to make headway to building our family. But at the same time, I’m not sure if that’s what I really want… I absolutely know I want a kid. But I’m not sure if I could handle it. Every time I go down to spend time with my sister and her 5 month old son I wonder how in the world I could possibly handle it when it’s every day for years to come, instead of just a week or less. I get so tired when I am staying with them. And when she leaves him with me I do nothing but watch him. What happens when I add in work, cooking, cleaning, etc.? I just don’t know. I realize that N will do some of the work, but I’m sure I’ll probably end up doing the brunt of it, as most women tend to do.
I know it’s silly to be worried about these things, but I also assume it’s natural. After all, it’s a life altering decision and you can’t take it back. I know that I will give our baby the number one thing it would need: love. I can give that in abundance. And I assume that a kid who has to grow up with me for a mom will adjust to my abilities as much as possible. I know God will not give me more than I can handle. I just hope I can handle a baby…
