10.29.07
Listless
This isn’t exactly journey related, but I feel the need to journal and this is my only private space to do so (other than pen and paper, I guess). I am feeling so irrelevant today. I feel like I’m a waste of useful space. I want so much to be doing something, but all I’ve managed to accomplish today (once I got home from work) was unloading the dishwasher and making a pig of myself. I really need to come up with something to focus my energy on when I’m home from work. Until I’m “allowed” to work towards finding a surrogate I feel like I have nothing in particular to do. I want to work on several quilting/sewing projects, but I need to come up with patterns and also the fabric. I had thought I would do that today, but then came right home instead. I hope I’ll get into the fabric store tomorrow so I can get started on this stuff. I’m tired of being a bump on a log. I need a project. And I need to get cracking before I gain back all the weight I worked so hard to lose. It’s only 9 pounds, but even N says I look thinner. I can’t gain it all back. I’m determined to get down a size or two by Christmas.
Okay, so journalling doesn’t seem to be helping much. I still feel like I’m wasting my time. I guess I will just go to bed and hope I’ll do better tomorrow. At least N will be working, so I won’t have him as an excuse. I can take my time getting home (stop at JoAnn’s and/or the Quilt Shop and also the grocery store). Maybe that will also stop me from snacking when I get home from work, since it will be closer to dinner time. One can hope, anyway. Enough dwelling. Time for bed. ‘Night journal.
10.28.07
Just chatting
The day I came to the realization that I move from major life goal to major life goal I talked with N and told him that if he didn’t want me to think about “getting a kid” for a while then I’d need to go back to school for my doctorate. We wound up talking about my side and his side of the issue. He says he just wants a chance to be in the house for a little while, see how the bills are, and see if he’s going to be changing jobs or staying where he is now. I asked him when we could revisit the subject and he said “January. But not January first and not on my birthday… January 10th-20th maybe.” Everyone I’ve told that to has laughed and said “He wasn’t serious was he?!” Um, yeah, he was. But I’m trying my best to respect his wishes. I will wait until January to discuss the idea of finding a surrogate. I will not do anything towards a journey until we’ve talked (not that I’ve done anything other than visit the doctor once anyway, but I’ll play along.
When I’d asked him more about me “acting different” with kids he told me I was “more maternal or something.” I don’t quite get that and he did admit it might have been just his perception changing, but it’s now got me paying closer attention to how I’m acting with kids (not my students, but friends’ kids). I don’t THINK I’m acting any different. Yes, I’ve said I am different with my nephew because he is my nephew, but that is one kid, not every kid. And on Friday, when we had friends over (one with a 2 year old) I tried to pay attention to how I acted with her. As far as I can tell I didn’t act different, but maybe I am and just don’t realize it. Oh, well. I’m not going to dwell on it and make me freak out every time I’m around a kid.
Speaking of Friday, it was my birthday. And I must say N outdid himself. First of all, he spent all week getting the house as close to unpacked as he could and invited several of my friends over for a get together. He made delicious chili and a buttermilk pie (my great aunt’s recipe) for everyone to enjoy. Everyone seemed to. After all, I think just about everyone went back for seconds on the chili. 
I think everyone got along really well even though none of them had met before. I strategically invited people I figured would have things in common. Apparently I did well. I think the last person to leave left after midnight. It was a very enjoyable evening and it was so great to be able to have that many people over and not feel like we were over crowded. I love our new house!
I thought that was the end of my birthday, but no, N had more surprises up his sleeve. After going to lunch with my MIL and BIL we were going to go to some fabric stores to try and get fabric for making curtains. However, before that N pulled into the mall parking lot. We never go to the mall. I asked him why he was pulling in there and he said he was wanting to stop at the game store. Foolishly, I believed him. 
When we got inside he took me to the Mac store. I just figured he was looking around at the new nanos and didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t until he was standing by the MacBooks that it slowly dawned on me that he was here for me. He wanted to get me a new laptop because I’ve been complaining for months about how slow mine had gotten. So here I am typing on my brand new MacBook. It is gorgeous.
The topper of the weekend came this morning. I woke up to the smell of cinnamon rolls and he was doing the dishes! Now that’s a wonderful birthday weekend. 
I told N I was going to have a hard time topping it for him. ;)
10.14.07
Conflicting opinions
Last night on the way home from a wedding, N expressed his concern that I am “obsessed” with getting a kid and I “act different” with kids than I used to. This completely floored me (not the “obsessed” part, since I know I kind of am, but the “acting different” with kids part). I asked him to clarify and he started talking about the fact that the first picture we had up at our new house was a picture of my nephew instead of us. I tried to explain to him that the only reason it was the first up was because it was a new picture that I hadn’t even put up at the old house, therefore it was the first one to get moved over. It has nothing to do with it being a baby. I told him I didn’t even figure it was going to stay in the living room, I’d just put it there to get it out of the way. I also told him that the way I act with my nephew is because he’s my nephew, not because of my obsession with wanting a kid. He said something about “I thought we weren’t going to do anything until next year” and I replied “I’m not ‘doing’ anything. We went to the doctor, that’s it. What else have I done?!” I don’t understand where this is coming from. I’m trying to give him the time and space he needs to adjust, but I’m starting to wonder if he’ll ever be ready. He says he wants kids, but then he gets all agitaged when the subject comes up (and I don’t even think I brought it up this time, to be honest).
I talked to my mom about it today. She says “Of course you’re obsessed. You’re at the age where all women get obsessed about kids. It’s natural. And he’s scared. He doesn’t do well with change and that will be a huge change. Most couples don’t really have to make the conscious decision you two do. They can just ’see what happens’ and then adjust when the time thrusts itself upon them. You don’t have that option. You have to make the decision to take that step.” She’s completely right. But I don’t know how to make it easier on N. One minute he’ll say he wants to do this, then the next he’s panicking that I’m moving too fast. How am I supposed to keep up? Out of respect for him I have not actively persued finding a match, even though I’d love to. I explained to him that I want to cycle in the summer so I don’t have to work doctor’s appointments around school and it’s either this summer or wait another year. He’d once told me that he wanted to have kids by the time we were 32 so they’d be 18 when we were 50. Well I’m celebrating my 31st birthday in two weeks, so we’d better get busy. But when I pointed that out to him he said “I told you I reassessed that.” I don’t remember him saying any such thing. I asked what his new age requirement was and he said “35 sounds good.” So we wait until we’re 35, then he decides 37 is better, etc… Then I get to where my eggs aren’t going to be viable and we’re talking egg donors and even more money. It makes no sense to wait any longer. And I do think there will be a major strain on our marriage if he continues to be like this. I don’t want there to be. If he would just say “I don’t want kids” I’d be okay with that (sad, but I’d deal). But telling me he wants kids, then freaking out at the idea of making one, is just driving me crazy. I can’t do this back and forth crap any more. I need to know the plan and be able to stick with it. I need a goal to work towards so that I can at least feel like we’re moving in a direction. That’s the way I work. I move from goal to goal. First it was getting N through school (and me into a library). When that goal was accomplished it was finding a house. Now that we have the house, my goal is to fill that “potential baby’s room.” I’ve always been like that. If he doesn’t want me obsessed about a baby, then he needs to find me a different goal to work towards. And I don’t mean a little goal like making a quilt or unpacking boxes (which are mostly his anyway, so what the he** can I do with them?). I need a life goal. It’s the way I work. I didn’t realize it until just now, but it’s completely true. N is not like that. He wants to ease his way into things and look only moments into the future. I’m into long term goals. It’s just who I am. Maybe we’re too different? Or maybe we balance each other out? I’m not sure what to think…
10.13.07
Dreams and reality
I took a nap today (we were out late, then the dogs woke me up fairly early) and had a bittersweet dream. I dreamt we had a baby. A tiny, tiny baby. I was holding him close and even nursed him (which is not likely to happen, what with all the meds I’m on and such). But even in the dream I was a little sad. I think I knew it was only a dream and still a long way from being a reality. After I woke up I kept sitting on the couch looking down the hall into the “potential baby’s room” (yes, that is what we’ve dubbed one of the spare bedrooms, even though we have a fold out bed and exercise bike in there). I hadn’t realized until today how perfect the location of that room is. We’ll be able to sit in the living room and watch our baby as he sleeps in his crib. I can’t wait for that day. I’m feeling the longing double strong today, probably because of the dream. I’m not sure what brought on the dream, though. Unless it was reading to N’s cousin’s five year old with her sitting in my lap. I read to kids all the time (it’s my job), but reading to a kid who is sitting in your lap is a completely different feeling. I’ve bought her two of my favorite books for her birthday (it was last week) and hope to get to read them to her today at the wedding reception (N’s other cousin is getting married today). I loved having her sitting in my lap and turning the pages for me. It was a very contended feeling.
There was something I was talking to my mother about the other day, though. I don’t seem to be the type of person who has an overwhelming urge to hold other people’s babies. I love to look at them, don’t get me wrong, but when I hold them I feel awkward. Which is strange, since I don’t feel the least bit awkward holding my nephew, or N’s cousin’s child when she was younger. When a couple of the TOSSers came over one of them brought her 5 month old baby with her. I held the baby for a few minutes, but had no problems handing her back to go check on the oven. P, on the other hand, snuggled with her for quite some time. And what about all those people who love to hold complete stranger’s babies? I could never do that. Or, worse yet, the people who feel compelled to touch a pregnant woman’s belly. I don’t think I could ever do that. Though I hope to feel comfortable enough with my future GS to do so. I want to at least experience feeling my baby kick, even if it is second-hand. Maybe I don’t feel compelled to do these things simply because I know it will be painful for me, knowing I won’t be getting the same experiences. Well, the belly part for sure. But it’s possible I won’t get the baby part either. Though I pray to God that isn’t His plan for us. It would be awful to have this big new house and never have a little one to help fill it.
10.06.07
IM bonding…
My IM friend, P, is coming up today for a visit (she lives 4 hours away). She’ll be staying the night, so we’ll have plenty of time for chat, gosip, and bonding. I hope she can help me with my conflicting emotions. I did email her (tried to call, but she was at a quilt show) some of what was going on (without mentioning names), but she never emailed me back… Makes me wonder if she got it or is just waiting to talk in person or what… I dunno. I do know that she’s been super busy lately and hasn’t posted much on TOSS either. But having her here face to face should help. I expect her to be here by dinner time, so there’s still time to clean some more (I’m trying to at least condense the boxes so it doesn’t look quite as cluttered!). I also need to cook for tomorrow. I’ve invited other TOSS girls to come over to hang out. So far there will only be a total of 4 of us (M included), but I was hoping more would come. Oh, well. We should still have fun.
M posted on TOSS that we had met, simply because we knew it would come out eventually since we’ll be seeing other TOSSers face-to-face and it will be obvious that we know each other pretty well. Especially since we’ll be having a BBQ at her house in two weeks where her kids and husband would surely give it away when they recognize and know me. No one really seemed to connect the fact that she saw me and the email I sent saying I’d gotten together with a good friend and her family and would be seeing her again for lunch. One person did ask if we were matched, but due to a completely different comment. I just said “I’m not matched yet” and left it at that. It was the truth! Who knows if we ever will be.
I like her. I really, really do. But they say that when you find the right person you just “know.” So why don’t I have that feeling? I want very much for her to be “the one” but I don’t want to match if we’re not 100% right for each other. Let me see, what are the pros and cons?
Pros:
proximity
comfortable with each other
love her family
N seems to like them too
agree on many aspects of surrogacy (though we haven’t discussed everything)
she’s aware of my craziness and keeps coming back
Cons:
she wants another c-section
she sometimes takes several days to email me back
Okay, so the pros outweigh the cons right now, so what the heck is my problem??? I SO need this IM bonding time!
10.01.07
Come and gone
M came today for lunch. She was here for 3 hours. We talked and talked about all kinds of stuff. But not surrogacy. At least, not a particular journey between the two of us. I don’t know if she’s waiting for me to bring it up and vice versa, or if it just hasn’t felt right to talk about particulars yet. We did say we were keeping our options open and if things worked out between us, great, and if not at least we made a really good friend. I wonder if maybe she’s at the same place I am, where she would love to work with someone so nearby, but at the same time isn’t sure if I’m “the one” for her. I do get along with her very well, and I love her kids. And we seem to agree on most things. But I wonder if I’m only interested in working with her because of her proximity, or if she’s someone I would go for no matter where she is… Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t found any reason to feel uncomfortable with her. Like I said, we get along great. We obviously have no problem coming up with conversation topics. And it seemed to me that everything surrogacy-wise that we did discuss we were in agreement on. The only thing I keep coming back to is that she wants to have another c-section. And I don’t blame her, really. But I guess I just always hoped to have someone who would be willing to go natural, like I would do if I were able. Granted, most women these days use epidurals at the very least, and M said she’s done all three types of birth (natural, epidural, and c-section) and she feels like she was more aware in the c-section than either of the other two because she was just so exhuasted from how long it all took. I guess I have unrealistic expectations, considering my sister’s easy labor and birth (natural). I don’t like the idea of “taking” the baby before he/she is actually ready. I guess it’s just hitting home that I won’t be able to have my “ideal birth” in any way, shape, or form. Unless I go with someone else. I know there is still time and I’m not committed to M in any way. But it seems silly, if we agree on so many other things, for me to keep going back to that c-section issue. Granted, I didn’t tell HER that it was an issue for me. Though I did say that if I were able to do it myself I’d want to go natural. But that isn’t a possibility and I know it’s the GS’s decision how she wants to deliver. It is her body afterall. But I would rather my baby be completely alert when he/she is born than drugged up and sluggish.
What am I even thinking about this for?! It’s completely rediculous to be worrying over this when I’m not matched and we still have plenty of time to determine if we’re right for each other. And I can’t exactly discuss it on TOSS, since M is on there and would read it! Maybe when my friend P comes up next weekend (she’s an IM) we can talk and I can ask her opinion on it. I am more confused than ever!
Meeting aproaches…
I’ve been trying to clean (or at least straighten up) since I woke up. I know I won’t be able to get the house looking as good as I’d like, since there’s no way I’m getting all of N’s boxes cleared away in the next hour, but I don’t want us to look like complete slobs. Even though we kind of are. Though I’ve noticed that I’m a LOT more clean (and N would say “anal”) than I was at the old place. I think I’m just afraid of this house getting as bad as the last one. N doesn’t seem to have a problem with it. That’s okay. I guess I’ll just keep coming along behind him and cleaning up his messes. I’m sure it will get old, but maybe he’ll get a clue one of these days?
Anyway, I’m pretty anxious about M coming over today. Not only because the house isn’t as presentable as I’d like it to be, but also because we will (most likely) be talking more specifics as far as our expectaions for a surrogacy journey. I have no idea if our expectations will match. I’m trying to make it very clear that I will want to be very involved and not miss out on even a moment of the process. So far she’s seemed agreeable to that, but you never know if someone is just agreeing for now, or if they’d get annoyed later on. KWIM? Plus, I don’t know if we’ll end up talking $$ today or if we’ll wait for another day. After all, we still have LOTS of time for that. I’m not even sure what to expect as “reasonable.” I’m very excited to have her over, though, so I’m going to concentrate on that. If I can make it that long. I still don’t know for sure what I’m making for lunch. I have stuff for sandwiches (peanut butter, turkey, or cheese), pasta salad, or pasta w/ tomato sauce. I guess I’ll give her a choice. I also have stir-fry that I was going to make tonight, but may not get to since N might work a double tonight. At this point, I don’t care what we eat, so long as I don’t become a nervous wreck between now and then.
Oh, the other question we should probably discuss this time around is what we do about telling the other TOSS girls. It isn’t an issue right now, since we just haven’t mentioned it on the list (though we both tend to put in little comments that the only we will get), but next weekend we may be getting together with several TOSS girls, and the next week she’s having a BBQ and inviting them as well. Surely they’ll notice that her kids and husband know me? I don’t know. We’ll just cross that bridge when we get there… I need to go see about showering and looking for any other places I can straighten up (like the TV trays in the living room, maybe).
