08.29.07
Dollar Signs everywhere!
We will finally be closing on our house in less than two days. We’ve been waiting to even find out if we would get the house for over a month. We found out for sure on Monday, and we’re closing on Friday! How crazy is that?!?
So now dear hubby is planning his game room, entertainment center, and other areas of the house. All I can see are dollar signs racking up. I thought we’d have money left over after we bought our house… Now I’m not so sure. And the less money we have in the end, the longer it will be before we can persue surrogacy. 
And we keep talking about all these things we’d like to “eventually” do to the house. More money, less kid. Maybe I’ll never get to be a mom. I hope that’s not true, but alas, I’m not sure we’ll ever have the accumulated savings we will need to go through a surrogacy journey or adoption. I hate, hate, hate that it costs so darn much for us to become parents. And that’s before the kid is even born!!!
08.15.07
More good news
While this isn’t specifically surrogacy related, I wanted to include this good news here.
Because of my decreasing heart function over the years, we have known that it is inevitable that I will one day need a transplant. It seems every year my test results come back saying my ventricular function has lowered even more than the previous year. Well, back in March I went up to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN and had a bi-ventricular defibrillator (bi-v ICD) implanted. The theory being that by synchronizing the ventricles with one lead per ventricle they wouldn’t have to work as hard to pump and therefore their function would improve. Well, 4 weeks later we discovered that one of the leads was no longer “capturing” so I had to go BACK to Rochester for a second surgery to replace that lead. It was all very frustrating, especially since it meant using up every last sick leave day and of course the expense of making the two trips.
Well, it turns out it was worth the trouble. I had my annual MUGA scan (a test to help measure heart function) last week and today I found out that BOTH ventricles have improved!!! This is great news, and I hope that we will continue to see more improvements. This should put off transplant farther into the future (though I don’t know how far) and makes me feel more comfortable with the idea of becoming a mom knowing I have bought myself some time. I’m so glad that we went through with the surgery and lead revision! 
The waiting is over
I wrote this yesterday, but didn’t get around to posting it. Spent time with my hubby instead.
“I’m back from our RE visit. I’ll just skip to the part you all want to know and you can read on if you want more details: he sees no problems at all with using my eggs! He didn’t seem intimidated by my heart or cyst issues in the least. Of course, he wants to talk to my cardiologist (duh!) and he’ll monitor me closely when we cycle, but he didn’t see any reason why I couldn’t handle it.
Just so we can get a base line to work with, we are going to go ahead and do my day 3 FSH levels and an ultrasound, and hubby is going to get a semen analysis done. We know we’ll have to repeat the tests closer to when we’re actually going to cycle, but at least this way we know if there are any other issues we have to deal with. I actually should start my period next week, so most likely I’ll have my blood work next Friday or the following Monday. I don’t really anticipate much of a problem, but you never know. Something I’m confused about, though, is that he isn’t having me get off of my BCP to do the blood work. If I have to wait until Monday I think he did want me to wait to start up the next packet, but if it’s Friday I don’t think I’ll have to miss any at all. Generally I start my period on Tuesday or Wednesday, so I anticipate doing the test Friday. (okay, that was way too long talking about my period… Sorry about that. 
).
Before we went to the appointment my husband and I ended up having a longish talk (with me crying through most of it). I had told him last night that my stomach was all in knots because of the appointment and today he asked me “Are you just worried that they’ll say you can’t use your eggs?” To which I responded, “I don’t know. I’m worried about so many things. I don’t know what I want any more. On the one hand, if they tell us no I’ll be crushed, but if they tell us yes that means we’ll be starting on a long, difficult process that freaks me out.” He said “Well, it’s not like we’re starting tomorrow.” I said “Well, no, but we can’t wait too long. We have to start looking for a surrogate…” “Wait. I’m not ready to start looking for a surrogate yet.” I tried to explain to him that it’s a long process and the more time we have to get to know our carrier the more comfortable we’ll be, yada, yada, yada. Well he said, “I thought we weren’t even doing this for two or three years.” What?! I flew off the handle. I said, “I thought we were going to do it next year! I was going off of what you said when I asked you when you saw us actually starting to try.” Anyway, I was crying, he was saying “Well I don’t know how all this works. You’re the one who has done all the research, not me.” I told him I’ve wanted to talk to him about it, but every time I do he rolls his eyes at me, so I try not to bring it up because I don’t want him to think I’m obsessing (even though I am).
Needless to say, I was an emotional mess. Finally he did say some things to make me feel better. He said he didn’t care HOW we got a baby. It didn’t matter to him, just as long as we got to be parents. So he said it’s up to me, we can do the surrogacy if that’s possible (remember, we hadn’t gone to the doctor yet), or we could adopt. And if we ended up with no kids, that would be okay too. Yes, he wants to be a father, but he said as long as he has me and I’m happy, he’s happy too.
Oh, and did I mention that this whole conversation took place over the phone? He had gone in to work for a staff meeting and was on his way back home, just in time to meet me at the doctor’s office. When he met me in the hallway, he hugged me and said “It will be okay, no matter what happens.” I almost started crying again, but managed to hold it together.
Sitting in the waiting room was torture. We were the only ones there, so at least no one else had to see me fidgeting. Hubby was really sweet and held my hand squeezing it once in awhile to reassure me. We finally went back and talked with the Nurse (Linda) and she got some info from me and added details to the forms I’d already filled out. Then we met with Dr. Goldstein. He talked us through the whole process and answered any questions we had. Hubby said he felt like we were being rushed at the end because he kept saying “Questions?” after each of the answers he gave. But I think that’s just the way he is. After all, he answered every question we asked and didn’t indicate that he thought they were stupid questions (even if he did). I asked questions about the what requirements he has for the GS, since I’ve heard that many REs have BMI restrictions and whatnot. He said the most important thing in a carrier is that she is trustworthy and reliable. The rest was up to us.
For now I think we’re just going to get this base line testing done, then wait a bit before putting out feelers for a GS. Hubby wants to be settled into our new house (assuming that ever happens!) before we start looking. He actually asked “Would January be too late to start looking?” I honestly don’t know. If I’m hoping to transfer in about a year, will January would be pushing it for finding our GS? When do we put up an ad? I just don’t know.”
My stomach is feeling much better now. It’s such a relief to know what path we will be taking. I know there are still uncertainties, but at least we’re headed in a direction now.
08.13.07
Sad news :-(
My IM friend who is in the two week wait received a terrible blow today. After getting positive HPTs for a week now, and a pretty strong beta on Friday, her surro did another HPT test this morning and it was a faint positive. Nine hours later, there was no line at all.
This just doesn’t seem fair. Why is it that someone who is so sweet and kind and loving has been through SO much heartache and pain? Just when she thought she had found the answer to her problems, she continues to be dragged through the wringer. This is the second try for them. I know they have more frozen embrios, but I can’t imagine going through this pain again.
And this is what scares me. After all of my disappointments through the years trying to find out if I will ever have a baby, I feel like there is a possibility of hope through surrogacy. But could I really handle failure? Isn’t it easier to just not try? I can love my nephew. I can use my extra free time to be a world traveler. I don’t HAVE to be a mom, do I? Isn’t it easier to just make the decision to be childless than to try so hard only to be let down?
But I do so want to be a mom. Why do I feel like that is such a huge thing to ask for? Why do people who can’t take care of children have dozens at the government’s expense, while I have such a small chance of getting just one and will have to pay out the nose just for that chance (regardless of the end result)?
Tomorrow is our consultation appointment. I’m so unsure of what to feel about it. On the one hand, I should finally get some questions answered. On the other hand, I know my emotions will still be wreaking havoc on me and probably even more so after the appointment. I really need to sit and talk with my husband about all of the emotions going on inside of me. Perhaps we’ll have that opportunity after the appointment tomorrow.
08.12.07
Out of the bag
I finally told some of my family that I have set up the consultation appointment. I hadn’t planned to, but my dad’s wife and my SIL (my brother’s wife) asked me when we might be considering doing the kid thing. I wound up telling them I have the appointment on Tuesday, but it’s just a consultation to get questions answered and nothing will start happening until next year. They were both very excited and spent a lot of the afternoon asking me questions about the progress.
My dad’s wife asked me a question that made me put into words what I’ve thought for a long time. She asked “If you get your surrogate pregnant and then find out the baby has birth defects, what will you do?” She didn’t mean anything negative by it, just wanted to know, since I’d mentioned what the Mayo doc had said. My reply to her was, “Nothing. We’d continue with the pregnancy. As a matter of fact, when I hear about people who terminate a pregnancy just because the child isn’t ‘perfect’ I am personally offended. It’s like they are saying I shouldn’t have had the chance to live because I am not ‘perfect.’ And quite frankly, I like being alive.” I went on to say that I do not have a problem with people doing tests to find out if the child has a defect, just so they can be prepared. But no way do I approve of terminating a pregnancy because of the results. I shared the conversation with my mom and she she feels the same way. So even if they had had the technology 30 years ago, it’s good to know I would have still been born. Not that I really had any doubt.
I also told my mom about the appointment. I said something like “Oh, did I tell you I have a consultation appointment set up?” like it was no big deal. She said, “Uh, no you didn’t.” I went on to tell her about the appointment plans and how I felt when my husband didn’t realize that he was expected to come. She tried to assure me that it’s normal with couples who are dealing with fertility issues that the woman tends to obsess a little, and the husband doesn’t generally understand what all the fuss is about. It felt good to get all of my worries out in the open. My mom is always a good source to turn to when I need to vent. I hate doing it, because then it makes my husband sound like an awful guy (when he’s not, by any means). I’m very lucky to have a mom that I can talk to about anything. I guess I hadn’t talked to her about it because I didn’t want her to think I was obsessing either (even though I probably am). But now that we’ve talked I feel like she understands my obsession.
Overall I think today was a good day for me. Oh! And I found out that my IM friend is actually friends with my SIL too! Small world! We had quite a good laugh about it with my family, and then I immediately called my IM friend to share and got to laugh with her as well (I was glad I could put a smile on her face in the midst of the two week wait).
One more thing I did today: I started writing a rough draft of a surrogacy ad. I’m thinking that IF the consultation goes well Tuesday, I may post my ad to TOSS (my small group of surrogacy friends) and get their feedback, then consider posting it on SMO (major source of matching possibilities and surrogacy info).
08.11.07
Fears and Worries
I’ve continued to be somewhat out of it. At least today I didn’t sit around doing nothing. I have been making samples of some embroidery designs I have that I think would look good on shirts for school. It’s kept me somewhat busy, though I have a lot of time when the machine is doing its thing to sit and think. Not that I really know what it is I’ve been thinking about. My mind has pretty much been a big muddle. But I do know my emotions have been wacked out. There have been several times throughout the day that I’ve been near tears for no particular reason.
I was emailing a fellow IM (she had her second transfer into her GS last week and is in the dreaded two week wait) today and we were both in a bit of a funk. She told me how awful the two week wait is treating her and I was telling her that I am stressing about the consultation on Tuesday. I have only told my surrogacy friends (and my cardiologist) about the appointment. I don’t know why I haven’t told my family at all (of course, my husband knows, since he’s going with me). I was telling my IM friend that I’m half worried that the RE will say I can’t use my own eggs and half worried that he’ll say I can.
Right now, I’m thinking that without my eggs we won’t do surrogacy. Which means the dream of being there through the whole process will be gone. We would probably attempt to adopt, but we probably wouldn’t get our child until he/she was 6 months or so (we’re leaning towards international adoption if we go that route). Which means we’d miss out on a lot.
But if we CAN use my eggs, that means it’s time to get busy looking for a GS. And I’m SO afraid I won’t find the right one. I want so badly to find a GS that can be a best friend to me and become a part of our family. I also want her to be local so I can attend all of her appointments. I’m afraid I might be one of the scary IMs. I don’t intend to be controlling, but I do want to be completely involved. I want to experience the pregnancy as much as I possibly can, which means I’m going to be currious about every little thing. Will that be interpreted as too pushy, nosy, annoying? The thought of finding just the right person scares me to death. Almost more than the thought of not getting a child. I just don’t know how to go about finding the right person, but not coming off as a stalker. Does that make sense?
Also, I really don’t want to use an agency because I would rather save that money and do it myself. But I’m not sure if I’ll be able to organize everything we’re supposed to get together. I’ve already thought about the lawyer who will do the contracts and PBO, but what about all of the money stuff? I know some people have their lawyer set up an escrow account, but how does that usually work? Does all of the money have to be there from the very start, or do we add money as we go? I guess these are questions I’ll ask the lawer once I get to that stage.
And I’m not sure what to expect or be willing to pay for compensation. I’ve seen such a wide range of compensation amounts that I’m not sure what would be realistic to expect. I am hoping that I can find someone on the lower end, but at the same time, I DO value their gift to us and don’t want to cheat them out of what they deserve. Is pampering her enough to show her and her family what they mean to us?
I also fear that my husband isn’t going to be as involved in the process as I want him to be. I want him to help me with choosing a GS, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m rushing him, when in reality I want to be able to take our time choosing. I don’t want to be getting close to our target time and not have found the perfect GS, then end up settling for the first “okay” one that comes along, resulting in a less than ideal journey for us all.
This is the first time I’ve put these fears into words. They’ve been floating around in my head for a couple of weeks now, but I just didn’t want to really face them. But it kind of helps getting them out. Heck, I haven’t even begun the worries over will the embies stick, will the baby be healthy, will the delivery be smooth, will I be there for the delivery, will we stay close after, etc. There are SO many worries involved in this on top of the worries every parent has. It’s so not fair dealing with all this. I just want something to be easy. Why is that so much to ask?
08.08.07
Out of sorts
I’ve been feeling out of sorts the last few days. I’m not really sure what it is. I haven’t felt very interested in keeping up with my online groups or really being on the computer much at all. But at the same time, nothing else is really capturing my interest either. Maybe it’s because I know school will be starting up again (the dreaded school dreams have already started up), or maybe it’s because I don’t know when I’ll be seeing my nephew again (he’s only 2 months old and I’ve managed to be around him for at least 4 weeks total this summer, but have no idea when I’ll see him again), or maybe it’s not knowing if we will finally get approval to buy our house (we’ve been waiting for a month now!).
Or maybe it’s because I’m almost dreading talking with the RE. What if I don’t hear what I want to hear? Do I just accept it and move on, or do I get another opinion? Is this what I really want? Will I be able to handle watching someone else carry my baby in her womb? Or for that matter, will I really be a good mother? Is my husband ready to explore this option? Am I pushing him too fast? Will we communicate better once we’ve talked to the RE, or will I still have to feel like I’m walking on egg shells when I broach the topic of children with him?
It’s not that my husband doesn’t want children. I just don’t think he’s thinking very much about it, and when I bring up the subject he just rolls his eyes. I don’t want to feel like I’m pushing him, but if we wait too much longer to investigate the possiblities it will take even longer to finally reach our goal of getting a child. I said something to him about the appointment for Tuesday and he said “Oh, yeah, your appointment.” To which I responded, “OUR appointment.” “Oh, you want me there?” Duh! Why wouldn’t I? Doesn’t this kind of involve him too? I said “Don’t worry, they won’t be asking for any samples.” He said “Good. ‘Cause I wouldn’t give them one if they wanted it.” The conversation that followed showed me just how little he understands of the whole process. Part of that is my fault. I haven’t exactly talked ot him about it or explained all of the steps that will be necessary even before we start meds. But he hasn’t really shown an interest either. And I don’t know how to bring up the subject without annoying him.
Is this a normal thing for IMs to go through? All this wondering, dreading, hoping, and anticipation rolled up into one? Am I just going through a normal part of the process? I just want Tuesday to get here and be done with so I can stop all this internal drama. Of course, knowing the way my life has always worked, we will probably end up with more questions than we started with. I’m just not sure if I can do this or not. Maybe I’m not cut out for anything more than being a wonderful aunt. It doesn’t take all the planning, decision making, and stress that trying to become a mom through “alternate” means does. I just wish, now more than ever, that I could carry my own pregnancy so that I wouldn’t have to go through all of this mess. It isn’t fair!
08.05.07
Inch worm, inch worm…
I feel like the days to our consultation appointment are c r e e p i n g by. On the one hand, I want the day to be here faster so I can get my questions answered. On the other hand, it would mean I’m that much closer to starting back to work.
The summer is almost over. Which always makes me start having school dreams. Last night was no exception, which means I woke up much earlier than I would have liked thinking about what this school year will bring. Last night I started thinking about all of the women at work who will be pregnant this year (we had 3 at the end of the year who will be showing when school starts back up). Every one of them made a mass email announcement about their pregnancy. And of course, their students will know without a doubt, since the evidence will be right there in front of them. The question is, who do I tell, and how much do I say? Granted, I won’t have any announcements to make this school year, but when the time does come, do I send a mass email as well? I have told several coworkers that I am considering surrogacy, but not everyone at work knows of my situation. They did end up finding out at the end of the year that I have heart issues, since I had to be gone twice for surgery. But most have no concept of what that might mean. It’s not like we talk about anything other than their students or library materials. How would people react? Maybe I’ll just tell those people that I’ve gotten somewhat close to. I’m sure the counselor will be the first I tell, since she has always been so supportive. And what do I say to my district coordinator? She started treating me somewhat different when she found out about my heart (not a lot, but enough to bug me). Should I just say “We’re getting a baby” and not mention how we’re “getting” it? Adoption is so much more accepted by most people. Heck, even my sister-in-law seemed to act odd when I mentioned we were looking into it.
Of course, I don’t know why I’m getting so far ahead of myself. I haven’t even been to my consultation to find out if it’s possible yet. I may not have to worry about any of this at all. But at least I’ll know after August 14th. Or at least have a better idea. I hope and pray that the RE says I’ll be able to use my own eggs. Then I’ll be able to start the process of looking for a GS. Doesn’t seem real. I need to go get my mind off of this and get some work done… Enough dwelling.
08.03.07
Records, records, and more records
Today I went down to Medical City and took release forms to all of my various docs to have them send my medical records to FSoD. It’s rediculous how many docs I have. I actually was only able to get the release form to the hospital (for my cyst rupture records) and my cardiologist. My PCP’s office was closed, which I was thought was strange. I called them on my cell to see if maybe they just took a late lunch or something, but the message said they were closed for a funeral. That’s so sad… I’ll try calling on Monday, and since I’ll be down there for another appointment anyway, I will probably have a chance to take it by then. I haven’t decided yet if I need to get records from my old GYN. I can find out from the doc if he needs it in addition to the other records I’m getting from my PCP.
I also got to talk with my cardiologist for a little while. I just love her. She is very supportive of my desire to go through with a surrogacy journey, even though she got the impression from the cardiologist at the Mayo that she often consults with on my case that she didn’t like the idea (though never gave a MEDICAL reason not to). When she saw that I was putting in a request for records and that it was for a Fertility Clinic her eyes lit up and she said “Oh, you’re going to do it?!” I explained that it was just a consultation to find out if it’s possible. You know how you can tell just by the look in someone’s eyes what they are really thinking? I could tell she was happy to hear I hadn’t been discouraged by the Mayo doc’s opinion. She even said she’s talked to a local cardiologist who has worked with many women who are pregnant or gone through fertility treatment with heart problems (obviously my situation is a bit different, but that’s probably the closest I’ll get) and she has said she’d be willing to help monitor me when the time comes.
Eleven days left until the RE appointment. Of course, I’ve got a ton of other things going on between now and then. MUGA scan Monday, Eye Doctor Thursday, Workshop Friday, Electrophysiologist the next Monday, THEN the RE that Tuesday, and another workshop that Thursday. Nothing like packing in the appointments at the last minute (I start back to work as a school librarian on August 20th).
08.02.07
Can it be???
It just doesn’t seem possible. After nearly 3 years of “thinking about” surrogacy and doing nothing more than reading about other people’s journeys, I’ve finally done something to make progress towards my own journey.
Actually, I guess I sort of did two weeks ago when I called my cardiologist and asked her opinion on the subject. But now it’s even more real. I made an appointment for a consultation with an RE. I’ve been talking about doing this for a month or more, but now it’s actually real. Exciting as it is, it’s also a little scary. Because it’s hard to know what he will say and if I will like it. And also because this is only the beginning of a LONG process that may or may not end up with us as parents. If I thought I had roller coaster emotions NOW, I’m sure it will have been nothing compared to what we will go through once we get this process started. It also means I might get to make my new best friend (GS) sooner than I ever thought possible. I don’t know how I’m going to survive waiting the 12 days between now and our appointment. At least it’s a morning appointment so I won’t have to be anxious all day long… I hope I survive!
