07.31.07
Moving forward
Despite feeling down and inadequate today, I decided to make some progress towards finding out if we will get to persue surrogacy. I looked at our insurance plans (my insurance won’t cover anything fertility related, but my husband’s will cover testing) and I looked into local RE’s to try and decide who to make an appointment with. I’m SO confused! I’ve gotten it down to two local docs that I think look good, but I’m just not sure. My situation is SO different from any of the information they provide on their web sites.
- I am on birth control pills (BCP) and therefore I am not sure how that effects the “Day 3″ testing they want done. I imagine MOST women who are trying to have a baby are off of BCP and this isn’t a problem. However, I can’t come off of it, since I’m not supposed to get pregnant, AND I have a history of ovarian cysts.
- The forms they want patients to fill out ask about prior attempts, fertility history, etc. However, this is the FIRST time we will be doing any of this stuff. They want some blood work and other testing done prior to the first appointment, but I don’t know if all of it is actually something I would need, given our unique situation.
I’m thinking I will need to actually get on the phone with someone at each of these offices to figure out what would need to be done. I’ve already sent a brief inquiry to one of them via their web site, so we’ll see how rapidly we get a response. If they are slow, I may just go with the other doc based on the positive feedback I’ve heard from other people who have used him. This is all SO confusing! Why, oh, why can’t anything in my life be easy? Just once I’d like things to just fall into place perfectly…
Roller Coaster emotions
I’m VERY happy to be an aunt. I just love my little nephew with all my heart. I’m excited that my sister is now a mom (it’s changed her for the better) and that she wants me to be so involved in his life. When I look in his face I experience sheer joy.
However, I also feel something else. I feel sad. Sad for me, my husband, and the baby I don’t get to carry. Yes, I know I can still be a mom (hopefully), but I want so much to experience carrying my child in my womb. I want to feel the flicker of movement, to rub my belly and know my child is resting comfortably, and I’d even take the nausia, swollen feet, back aches, and labor pains. I tell people that I want to use a surrogate because it is the only way I get to be selfish. Technically, I could attempt to become pregnant myself and put my family and friends (not to mention doctors) through the agony of not knowing how my heart will handle it. I could be stubborn and say “to heck with the statistics” and try anyway. But I can’t be THAT kind of selfish. It would kill me to put my family through the pain. Especially if I didn’t make it. So I’m turning to the only selfishness I am allowed. To be there for everything. To hold my baby in my arms the moment he/she takes her first breath. I may not get to be the one to push him/her into the world, but I sure would like to be there to catch him/her.
This past weekend was an emotional mess for me. On Friday I started noticing that the site around my ICD was sore. Especially when I would hold my nephew. Rather than worry about why the site would be sore and swollen, I started focusing on how my ICD and other surgeries will get in the way of my taking care of a child when (if) the time comes. I know I will continue to have more and more surgeries. That is inevitable, if only to replace my ICD as the battery wears down. So how am I supposed to pick up a child and hold it or comfort it if I’ve just been sliced open again? Am I really equiped to be a good mother?
My sister and a friend of hers also were talking about babies and childbirth. I do not expect other people to censor their conversations about babies just because I am in the room. Especially since I’ve never really shared my feelings with most people (my husband and mom are the exeption). So in no way do I blame my sister or her friend (who didn’t even know I’m not able to carry my own child) for the conversation I had to listen to. They spoke of “deciding to start trying” and how easy it is. Her friend went on to say “I feel like I should call up my mom and ask for permission. But I don’t have to. We can just start.” Not me. I have to get clearance from my doctors, meet someone willing to be our carrier, get lawyers to draw up contracts, use an RE to retrieve my eggs, make our baby, and implant it into our SM, and then watch someone else experience it all… It sucks.
Then my sister talked about how much of a miracle it is that a woman’s body is equipped to grow a baby, give it nourishment, and bring it into the world, then even be able to provide food for the baby after it is born. Again, a “not me” moment. I won’t be the one providing for my baby. I have to depend on someone else for all of it. I don’t even think I could attempt inducing lactation, since I’m pretty sure my meds would pass through breast milk and harm the baby. Nope. I might as well be a baby sitter or aunt. Sure, I can love the baby with all my heart, but what can I give him/her?
Yes, I know these are irrational thoughts. No one ever said emotions were rational. But it’s the roller coaster I seem to ride.
I have highs when I think it will be great to just get to be a mom some day, not have to go through the hard parts of pregnancy, have the option of letting my husband get up for the 3 AM feeding, and invite a wonderfully giving woman and her family into our lives and the life of our unborn child. I have met wonderful women I never would have met if it weren’t for my research into surrogacy. And just like my heart has shaped the person I’ve become, the road we take towards our child will shape the kind of parents we will be. However, when the lows come, they seem to come with a vengence. I try not to let on. I’m not looking for sympathy. But it hurts so much sometimes and the tears just flow. I can’t wait for the day when it won’t hurt so bad. But I don’t think that day will come until I’m holding my very own baby in my arms.
In the mean time, I’ll carry on the best I can. It’s all a person can do, and all I’ve ever known.
Elusive Sleep
I can’t sleep. This has been happening far too often recently. I suppose it has something to do with having a lot on my mind and therefore being unable to quiet my brain enough to get to sleep. Lately we’ve had a lot happening in our lives.
We’re in the process of trying to buy a house. Sometimes that keeps me up at night. We’ve finally found the house we want and can see ourselves raising a child in, but are in limbo as far as the contract goes at this point. All we can do is wait. And to be honest, that isn’t really what’s on my mind tonight.
Babies have also been on my mind a lot lately. My sister had a baby June 5th (exactly 8 weeks ago) and I’ve been both enjoying spending time with my nephew and also being jealous of what my sister has and how easy it was for her. I don’t seem to have a problem with sleeping when I’m actually around him, but my sister, mom, and nephew headed back home today (they were visiting so that our grandparents could meet the little guy). This visit seemed to be more rough than the other three times I’ve seen him since he was born. I guess I was just feeling less than adequate because I haven’t been making the progress towards a surrogacy journey that I’d hoped yet.
My heart has also been giving me a lot of sleepless nights. I had an ICD implanted in March (to replace the pacemaker I’ve had since I was seven) and a month later we discovered one of the leads was no longer working. So I had to go back and have another surgery to replace that lead in May. It is two months later and even though I thought I was completely healed, I’m having pain and swelling at the site. I’ve put in a call to my Electrophysiologist (EP) and talked to his nurse practioner (NP) and will be trying to get in and be looked at sooner rather than later. I’ve already had issues with an infection at the site of my last ICD. This is certainly not something I want to repeat! Though I can’t imagine an infection flaring up after two months!
Is it any wonder I can’t sleep? Not to mention the fact that my husband is in our bedroom snoring to shake the rafters… Normally it doesn’t bother me much, but only if I get to sleep first (which most nights I do). However, tonight it looks like I may have to camp out on the couch if I can find a comfortable position with my shoulder hurting the way it does… Nothing can ever be easy, can it???
07.30.07
Where to begin?
How do you begin your very first Blog entry? Introductions, explanations, background information… All of these seem so typical. But necessary. So let’s get on with it:
Introduction: I am a 30 year old married female who works as an elementary librarian. I have two dogs, but no children. Why, you may ask? Well, it’s not that I don’t WANT children. I just can’t have them myself. My complex Congenital Heart Defects (CHD) have made it difficult to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother. Difficult, but hopefully not impossible.
Explanation: I am hopeful that I will someday be a mother. At this moment in time, my husband and I are most focused on the possibility of using a surrogate mother to bring a child into our family. We want to place an embryo made from my egg and his sperm into the womb of another woman. Will this happen? I don’t know. Right now I’m doing my research to find out everything I can about surrogacy and the reality of using my own eggs. If we find out that using my eggs is not an possiblity, we’ll move on to other options. But for now, the focus is surrogacy. This is my “Heart Journey” in more than one way.
- My physical heart has shaped the journey of my life, making me the person I am and taking me down this path towards hopeful motherhood.
- My emotional heart is taking this journey with me. It goes through ups and downs, highs and lows. This emotional journey will hopefully lead me to my heart’s desire, being a mother.
Background Information:
I was born in 1976 with complex congenital heart defects (CHD), including situs inversus totalus (all organs mirror imaged from “normal”), CCTGV (congenitally corrected transposition of the great vessles: the right and left sides of my heart have been reversed in function due to the switch of the “great vessels”), large ASD and VSD (holes between the top and bottom chambers of my heart), and pulminary stenosis (a narrowing of the pulminary artery).
I have since undergone many surgeries. My first, a shunt, was when I was 5 years old. My most recent was two months ago to fix a lead on my recently placed ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator). The total comes to 16 at this time. Not all of them have been heart related, surprisingly enough!
I met my husband when I was 19 and a freshman in college. We started dating a month after becoming friends. We continued to date for the next 5 years, until he finally “popped the question” on our 5th anniversary. We married 6 months later in June of 2001. He has been there for 12 of my 16 surgeries. He has known from the very beginning that I would not be able to carry his child, but he loves me anyway. We are so lucky to have each other and I want very much to see him become a father.
We originally thought the only option available to us would be adoption. However, a coworker (and my mother) encouraged us to look into surrogacy. At first I was hesitant, feeling I’d be way too jealous of the woman who carried my child. Wouldn’t she bond with the baby? How could she “give up” the child after carrying it for 9 months? My questions were soon answered when I joined an online group for SMs and IMs (Surrogate mothers and Intended mothers). I learned that SMs feel differently about their surrogate preganancies than they do with their own. They never think of the child as theirs and see it as babysitting for 9 months. Rather than “giving up” the baby, they see it as “giving back” the baby to his/her parents. It was such an eye opener. After discussing it with my husband, we decided this was something we wanted to try. Not because we were set on having our own genetics in our baby, but so that we could be there for everything. Conception, pregnancy tests, sonograms, heart beat, birth, etc.
At this point in time we are still doing research. I have talked to my cardiologist and am hopeful that I will be given clearance to use my own eggs. My next step is to make an appointment with an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to find out how feasable it would be for me to use my eggs considering my heart and history of ovarian cysts (didn’t I mention THAT complication?!). If things work out in our favor we will start looking for an SM to carry our child. My hope is that we’ll not only find someone to be a carrier, but also a friend and extention of the family. If at all possible, I’d love to have contracts signed with our SM in time to attempt a transfer next summer. We shall see.
I intend to use this blog as a place to document our journey. Our Heart Journey. Hopefully our journey will take us on a new adventure into parenthood.
